Forgiving My Alcoholic Father
Today Taylor, Joe, and I ventured into the city of Kathmandu. Passing outdoor store after outdoor store enjoying all of the comical knock off’s like baby north face jackets and $10 Mountain Hardware vests. Thinking of all the uses for the random gear and clothing I began to miss my Dad. Kathmandu Nepal is an outdoor enthusiast dream! All kinds of hiking, trekking, backpacking and adventuring and Oh my Gosh Mt. Everest!!! So after walking around for a while browsing the street shops, tears filled my eyes and….
I miss my Dad.
Today I tear up, mourning the loss of the Man I knew him to be. I’m thankful for the sweet memories and times that he did things that Dad’s are designed to do like….
I miss going backpacking, hiking and camping every spring break, fall break, Halloween, Christmas break and lots of 3 day weekends in between.
I miss asking if I look pretty in what I’m wearing and probing for questions about what mom looked like when you met in 1980 something…
I miss visiting war monuments, historical anything and being bored out of mind after seeing yet another tank or fort or base or helicopter or anything camouflage.
I miss bargaining on why I HAD TO HAVE ____________ insert teenage girl “necessities” here (coach purse, birkenstocks, North Face Denali jacket ect…)
I miss going to the post office with you.
I miss carving pumpkins and competing for who’s was best by making mom be the judge.
I miss car shows, boat shows, and RV shows, I just miss the quality time that came with it.
I miss your crazy omelette concoctions on Saturday and Sunday mornings.
I miss tricking you into believing that a flock of birds lived in the piggly wiggly grocery store when it was me whistling behind your back the entire time.
I miss talking about boys, going on and on about how great they were all the while you’re shaking your head and giving me the “they’re not that great/ concerned father look”.
I miss making fun of the twangy backwoods gospel bluegrass tapes you played in the truck.
I miss our Saturday dates. 5:30am wake up, 6am breakfast at Waffle House. I’d order the all star special because I literally wanted a bite of everything, and you’d let me put sugar in my sprite 1.) because you’re the “fun parent” and 2.) because I saw you put it in your coffee.
I miss the finger trap game, convincing you my finger was on the verge of breaking, just to laugh it off and do it again when you let go.
I miss being your #1 go to for deciding if the dress pants were black or just really really really dark blue.
I miss the security of knowing that if I was ever in need that you would be there.
I miss provision, I miss having someone to call when something went terribly wrong and I didn’t know what to do….
I just miss my Dad.
About 2 years ago now… April 2013, I drove home from college the weekend before spring break to spend time with mom. Instead we loaded my 6’5 290 lb. father into the jeep and admitted him as a patient to a 6 month long drug and alcohol rehab facility.
Come to find out over the past 5-7 years my dad slowly, painfully, covertly, irresponsibly, started drinking. Alone. Behind closed doors. Hiding it. Summer 2012 he gave up hiding it and chose alcohol over…well…everything.
I’ve learned that’s how addiction works and there’s not much to making sense of it. It doesn’t make sense. It’s awful, it’s not fair, and it downright wrecks a person and EVERYONE involved.
4-6 months in rehab, the released, drank 2 weeks later, back to another expensive rehab for a few months, released and drank a month later for a week straight, back to rehab a month or so later for 2 weeks, released and drank for another week straight, hospitalized for a week, released, and got so drunk for so long that he almost didn’t make it, he came back home, back to rehab, almost dies, is hospitalized again for detox, released, rehab, drinks, rehab, released, hospital, rehab, released, drinks, hospital, mom can’t, rehab, moves in with grandparents, drinks, drinks, hospital, drinks, and the unrelenting painful cycle continues…..
I’ve been through heartbreaking tragedy before and still…
Nothing compares to losing your father to Alcoholism.
It’s like a breakup just 36,000x worse…
Everything I’ve know for 24 years changed, it’s broken. All of my plans have been affected, my heart, my life, my relationships, my dreams, all broken. And that thought has held me captive for too long.
Without my relationship with the Lord I would have stayed in a pit of bitterness, anger, and shameful ugly hatred.
Too quickly my sense of security was pulled out from under me like a rug. That wasn’t fair. Provision was something I had to figure out on my own. 3 jobs at once while trying to graduate from college, and trying to become Miss America to pay for my college… that was hard. My level of trust skyrocketed to an unreachable standard. Shutting down emotionally and shutting others out was my first defense at self preservation. Yep, unhealthy. And I felt like my earthly fathers line of defense for me was gone. I was in a pit and I was desperate for God to wreck Him, shake Him, and straight up beat it out of Him!
There have been moments not long ago where I felt so alone, so angry, so mad that I’m embarrassed and ashamed.
Satan crawled in with thoughts like….
Who’s going to help me pay for new tires when mine are bald and flat or food and gas when I’m flat out broke?
Who’s going to investigate and invest in the Man in my life to make sure He’s good enough for your one and only daughter?
Who’s going to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day?
Who am I supposed to finish the Appalachian Trail with?
Earthly Fathers were put on earth to be a girls the first line of defense and example of Jesus Christ in the flesh. But mine won’t do his job and it doesn’t hurt any less being 24 years old. Thats where God and His Grace waltz in. These thoughts have haunted me, held me captive, and I’m done.
I have no room in my heart for bitterness, anger, hatred, resentment, and unforgiveness. Especially towards my father, this broken child of the same mighty God.
My journey of taking it to the foot of the cross has lead me into such a closer walk with my true Father. My one defense, my refuge, my security and constant. The one who has never taken His eyes off of me. Not for a second.
Psalm 18:2 The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.
I don’t want you to know that this is what I’m going through. I have secretly dealt with this for the past few years. I wish this wasn’t a part of my testimony…. I wish the sins of my father had no affect on me…. I wish it was easier to forgive, to let go, to talk about, and to move on….
And you know what? It’s a process… DAILY I take these hurts and questions and lay them down.
I choose forgiveness.
I pull strength from God’s spirit in me. 1st John 4:4 helps. I rely on the God in me who is stronger than I to get the job done on my behalf. I’m so done with the trap of being held captive by the shame. I’m done having a hardened heart. I’m pulling up the root of bitterness and defeat. Im letting go of the pain I’m holding onto to move into deeper relationship with my heavenly Father who loves me more than I will ever know.
I’m surrounded by the loving arms of a wonderful perfect Father!
I’m overwhelmed by my relationship with my heavenly Father who provides all of my needs in abundance x10,000. And still after it all, I’m thankful for my earthly Father. It’s fresh, the father wound still hurts. Jesus’s nail scarred hands are on my broken heart and still, I know I’ll miss my earthly Dad and it’s ok.
My Heavenly Father who created Mt. Everest, my fingerprint and my heart to LOVE and forgive with power and strength not my own is more than capable of providing for my every need and the needs of my broken earthly father too …
I am more than satisfied in that promise.
Peace and Blessings,
Beth in India Milam
#BethBeyondBorders #InIndiaAsItIsInHeaven
Then I heard the voice of The Lord saying,
“whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”
And I said, “Here am I. SEND ME!”
Isaiah 6:8
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith. Galatians 6:9-10
