In Hebrews, the bible tells us to offer our bodies as living sacrifices. I was once told that the problem with living sacrifices is that they like to get off the altar. Likewise, I think we're often inclined to give partial sacrifices in an effort to maintain our illusion to control. We bind ourselves with this illusion more than any of us would like to admit. In each of our lives, this struggle looks a little bit different. Here's a glimpse into mine…
I grew up surrounded by a lot of christian culture. There was a lot of good to that and a lot of bad but I never stopped to recognize that "good or bad" might not be the best measuring tools. (1) Regardless, much of the culture I saw in Christianity was based on obedience, discipline, and love. They were all put on pretty equal planes and the focus was often on behaviors. The ideal for a parent seemed to be to have a little Jonny who wouldn't get into anything bad, always obey his parents, be really nice and end up with a good career, education, family and no back bone. Before you hate on that perception I'd suggest that it's a common view fed to the next generation. It doesn't surprise me that men don't want to live "up" (or down?) to that and deep down women don't want their men to either. These men are safe and there are enough females who will compromise their real standards and hopes for an unfinished man they think they can mold or fix. In the end most are thankful for a partner.
I'm going to pause to acknowledge that the above rant is full of strong statements and I'm not really looking for an arguement…just expressing my opinion and yes, I understand that I probably don't have the "track record" to make such comments…but I did anyway so let's both move on 🙂
In the end, I knew how I was supposed to live and I knew how to please my parents. I even had a desire to a majority of the time. I was that nice kid. I was that safe boy. I followed most of the rules or at least the spirit of them. The boundaries I pushed were "acceptable" and I was given trust and freedom to an extent. (mom and dad, I appreciate how you brought me up more than you know and these blogs aren't a knock on your parenting…I am seeing how hard it must be to parent and how well you navigated a number of things…just wanted you to know that.) Yet, somewhere deep within there were some scars and fears and a whisper of inadequacy that haunted me.
I was affirmed in many ways by my family and in sports…I was affirmed in the classroom and with all the random clubs I was in. I was affirmed by a number of friends and all was good in my life…well mostly. There was still something deeper in me that feared being inadequate and it somehow was planted in me around the 4th grade…It was then affirmed in some strong ways as I was leaving high school and entering college. (2) This wound ended up being a huge factor into a number of my struggles including lust. It took me years to really comprehend that it was tied to a need for a deep affirmation and even longer to realize that I was looking for it in the wrong places. I'm sure I knew all along that I needed to hear it from God but I was afraid to stay in the fire long enough.
Now jump to this past year.
Last fall I hopped in my car and drove out to LA and back. Most of those hours alone in the car were filled with silence and thoughts. I considered my life and where I've come from. I thought about where I was going and then I just tried to listen to whatever God wanted to share with me. This was the time where God started pounding "FREEDOM" into me…He's been trying to bring me into His glorious freedom for years but it's taken a lot of hard lessons for me to understand that.
This topic of freedom continued into the winter and when our team left for India in January. As a team, God started to reveal to us how free He has already made us. These past months He's revealed Himself as a lover who's been often misunderstood and poorly represented. Yet, He still loves and remains faithful and fights violently to draw us into the freedom and love He wants to lavish on us. We've realized in profound ways how free He has already made us and that everything is truly permissible. If you really want to think about how crazy that is, it will change your life. Yes, tied with that is the quick reminder that not everything is beneficial.
The real switch though is changing our lives from living by sets of rules and laws to living by a romance and relationships. You see we have all been freed by Jesus whether we realize it or not. (no I don't believe everyone is going to heaven but that's a seperate blog.) I'd say that very few people actually understand their freedom and have the courage to live by it.
Living in freedom and by His grace is a very dangerous thing. I'm pretty confident that the only thing that can balance out freedom in a healthy way is love. Perhaps fear balances freedom but if it does it's unhealhy. Regardless, once someone understands their freedom, they will use it to gratify their desires which wil lead them back into a different form of slavery UNLESS love balances it. You see, in order to enter into a loving relationship you have to give up some of your freedom…at least by our defenitions of freedom.
I'm thankful that God started teaching us how free we actually were at the same time He was teaching us how much He truly loved us. He was changing our "because" (3) and it started to affect everything from the inside out instead of the outside in. Instead of working on my behaviors and thoughts, I needed Him to work on my because…the source of my thoughts to behaviors…I was working by my own strength from the outside in instead of waiting on Him in the fire to do His work from the inside out…
…the freedom train is next…
(1) http://bennyv.theworldrace.org/?filename=nani-tal-and-glorious-freedomif-you-dare
(2) http://bennyv.theworldrace.org/?filename=inadequate
(3) http://bennyv.theworldrace.org/?filename=the-great-because-and-the-ultimate-challenge-to-reentry
