In proverbs, the Word says that hope deferred makes the heart sick but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life…You may have heard me quote this one before but I figured it was worth a revisit. The bible also talks about how God will give the desires of your heart to those who delight in Him. In shawshank redemption, Red says that hope is a dangerous thing while Andy claims that it is what you need to hold onto most. Evidently those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength and my hope of glory rests with Christ in me. So, hope…how it tends to be the faintest whisper and the strongest fortress still confounds me.
The funny thing that no one seems to tell you is that when you delight yourself in Him the desires of your heart start to change to the desires of His heart. I suppose with any relationship, the more you love someone and the more you spend time with them the more your desires tend to change to what theirs are. Sometimes these changes are so fluid that you don’t really even notice that they’ve changed until awhile later. However, there are other times when the change comes from a choice. There are some times when it is almost as if he holds all of my dreams, hopes and expectations in one hand and keeps the other one behind His back. Then in a gentle voice asks me if I’d rather hold on to my hopes and desires that are in His one hand or surrender them for the hope of something better in His other hand. Does He do this because He’s mean spirited and just wants to mess with me? no…
I was created and brought up with a heart to get at it. I enjoy work and physical labor. I enjoy counseling, encouraging and mentoring. I desire depth with others and can often find myself talking or listening to others for long periods of time. If there is something to do, I usually want to do it right with all that’s within me. That is what has made parts of this year difficult for me. I came into this race expecting and hoping to get poured into and pour into others with all the gifts and strengths and passions that He has given me. I longed to be able to be an encouragement to others through the things He has taught me and with a heart that does enjoy serving others. Yet, I have often felt as though I’m in the waiting room. I’ve felt like a bridled horse desiring to take off into battle but not able to quite get out of the barn. I’ve felt like I’ve been on the bench watching the game and I haven’t been able to get in to “do work” (as us boys would call it.)
These feelings really started in Thailand. Our team stayed together for the first portion while we were in Chiang Mai to work with some girls and children who have been linked with prostitution at one point. This meant that Dave and I could only be a part of so much of this ministry which was ok. I was fully engaged and fulfilled with being in the background serving with what little I could do. However, this transitioned into the next week and a half where Dave and I joined up with the “manistry” group. They were running all over Thailand doing some of the most amazing things I’ve heard of. These are the things that make men come alive and breath deeper than they previously knew how…yet there we found ourselves with front row seats looking in on life lived that I’ve day dreamed about as a child. Ironically, even when we were with them, we missed most every ministry experience because we had to make a visa run by ourselves…and then they had to make one without us (both due to logistics.) (for the record I can’t say that I have regrets about my decision to stay with the team because I feel as though I was being obedient to what He wanted me to do.)
Regardless, I was going through some stuff in my heart that was pretty heavy around that time and spent much of that debrief trying to still myself to hear Him. The next week our team found ourselves being kicked out of Vietnam and back in Bangkok. This was a blow to our team but at the time I was doing pretty well…that was until I didn’t feel a ton of peace that we were supposed to fight to get back into Vietnam. Our team was going through some growing pains at the time as well and so the start of Vietnam tended to make me feel fairly misunderstood and alone…BUT. soon we would be in AFRICA!!! and Mozambique at that 🙂
Mozambique…for those of you who don’t quite know, I’ve desired to go there in particular for like 15 years now. As a child I dreamed about heading to Mozambique some day, but I’ve never quite known why. Was it because it was a fantasy of mine? Was it because I wanted some sort of escape from reality? Was it because I have felt drawn to the poor of this world and Mozambique stands for them in my mind? Maybe it was just a cool name? What if, though, God had put something inside of me that was actually drawn to be there long term sometime?
I got to Africa for my student teaching and while I loved it, I knew that my heart was located more in the central part of the continent and not so much Senegal in the west. It was enough of a taste though to really grab my heart and make me long for the next time I could come back. Needless to say, after a few rough months of feeling like I was on the shelf watching everything go by and not truly feeling like I could thrive, I was ready to head to Africa and most of all Mozambique. My heart was full of expectation and hope and then I heard the news…Everyone pretty much on the squad was going to be heading north into Mozambique, cooking by fires and quite possibly tenting…we would be staying here where we were in Nelspruit, SA in the meantime!!!
I swallowed hard and thanked God for being faithful and good…I thanked Him for knowing what was best for us and for keeping us here and then I closed my mouth for fear that I would say more out of the disappointment in my heart. I felt as though all the air had just been sucked out of me and all that was left was my deflated ego and work to be done. The first week or so this past month was pretty rough for me. One of the biggest expectations I’ve had for years was dynamited loose from the secure location it had found in my heart. In the meantime, it seemed as though everything else seemed to be crumbling in from the sides and it just didn’t seem to stop with the big things that matter to me. Even small things like feeling like my Red Wings got shafted and with a loss in game seven of the stanley cup finals seemed to get to me at just the wrong time…
My heart was a mess, my head swirling with the thoughts of “what next?” and we had plenty of ministry opportunities to be a part of with people who have it way rougher than I. The added frustration that all this was bothering me even seemed to disappoint me. My heart felt sick…I knew I would be alright and I could still choose to say and think the right things but I also knew it would just take some time for my heart to get back to it’s joyful state. I surrendered the things that were left in His open hand and exchanged them for the hope that He held something better in His other hand.
Did you know that when you give something up to Him, that you won’t necessarily get something back in return right away? You might not even get an explanation as to why He asked you to give it to Him. The only thing you can really do is rest in the trust that He is good and faithful and hope that He will prove Himself to be once again in His timing. You wait upon Him and evidently when He fulfills the longings that are now within your heart for Him to speak or show Himself, it will bring a tree of life to you…
Hope…I’ve got more to say about this and actually think I will soon for you in a second part…but for now I will leave you with a quote from Jim Elliot
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose
