I urge you with everything in me to stick this one out and read through it all…
My heart has been getting wrecked these past weeks. It’s been all over the map for various reasons, but a huge part of it is directly tied to the end of Mathew. He has been softening my heart in many ways and tenderizing me. The more I actually fall in love with my God, the more His word destroys my heart.
It took me a couple weeks to get past how Jesus was betrayed for 30 pieces of silver…and less.
Let me paint a few pictures for you…
1. Judas – Judas spent a year with Jesus watching, learning, growing, questioning and sticking next to Him through some pretty crazy stuff. His heart was divided and while he lived with the Son of God intimately, he would still steal money from him when it benefited him.
A prostitute with her perfume that was expensive anointed Jesus and her outpouring was extravagant. This in itself is incredible and deserving of its own blog but that time isn’t now. However, this seems to be the last offense for Judas. He remarks how that perfume could have been saved and sold. The money could go to the poor and he could essentially pocket some of it. It is after this that he decides to go and see how much he could get for betraying Jesus.
The price set for betrayal was 30 pieces of silver. 30 pieces!!! Do you know how ridiculous this fact is? There is a man who LOVES money and his shrewd in knowing how to get the best value out of something. There is also a group of people who are so desperate to get Jesus out of the way that they will stop at pretty much nothing. Yet, this “shrewd” man who understands completely the concept of supply and demand decides that he’s willing to settle for 30 pieces of silver; the price of a slave…
Judas was offended by Jesus…greatly offended! He stuck around and watched everything play out and slowly he started to have eyes to see two things. One thing that he started to see was who Jesus really was and what his worth really was. The other thing he started to see was his unworthiness.
2. Peter – Peter’s name means rock and I’m sure most of you realize that. This is a man who also spent a year with Jesus watching, learning, growing, questioning and sticking next to Jesus. Peter walked on water and saw Jesus in His glory along with Moses and Elijah. He had seen miracles upon miracles. Yet, in a different way his heart was still divided.
One by one, each disciple looked Jesus in the eye at the last supper and said “surely it isn’t I” and yet Peter was the one to take it one step further. That night when Jesus said that “you will all fall away” Peter quickly responded that “even if they all fall away, I will never.” Jesus than predicts that he will indeed deny Him three times before the rooster crows. Still offended by this remark, Peter makes a bolder remark than his first: “Even if I must die with you, I will not deny you!” Peter was offended deeply.
The greatest commandment is to love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind and strength…I do not in the slightest bit believe that Peter didn’t love Jesus. However, he was offended because much of his love was by his own strength…and that’s not enough.
Like Judas, Peter stuck around that night and watched everything unfold. Like Judas, his eyes were opened to two things. He started to see the identity of who Jesus was and he started to see his own unworthiness. He too was offended and he too denied Jesus. Unlike Judas, he betrayed Jesus three times…not just once. Unlike Judas he didn’t get paid for it…Instead he paid to do so. The payment was not in coins but I tell you the truth that he paid dearly to betray Jesus.
Jesus said that “blessed is he who is not offended by me.” Do you not know that we serve an offensive God? If you don’t serve a God that offends the mind to reveal the heart than I don’t know the God you serve. In my offenses in my life I have done a number of things. The results have run the gamut but if I hadn’t I never would have struggled so far into pornography or tried to fill my feelings with inadequacy with stuff or people that would never satisfy. Looking for the approval of men and being cautious of the fear of men will NEVER satisfy you because people will ALWAYS disappoint…
One of the blessings I missed out on for a long time was directly tied to the fact that I was paying a price, a heavy price, to not be in His presence. The blessing is His presence. I’m sure there are other blessings that come with it but I don’t really care. His presence is the only one that really matters.
Please stay with me because this next bit is about you and me.
We often flee from the feeling of unworthiness, but I tell you the truth that we need our eyes opened like Peter and Judas. We need to see us for who we are and we need to see Him for who He is. There is no alternative feeling than unworthiness when this happens.
At this breaking point is where you will find hope and desperation. I honestly believe that once Judas saw and was overwhelmed with his unworthiness, he had an opportunity still to ask for forgiveness and it would have been granted ecstatically. However, he rushed off into his death.
In a beautiful return of restoration, Jesus comes back and in the midst of his inadequacy has an opportunity to ask for forgiveness. Jesus does something that I don’t want you to miss….What a beautiful shepherd!!! He comes to where Peter is at and calls him over and says “Peter, do you love me?” Peter’s response is yes and Jesus then replies “then feed my sheep.” This happens three times. Jesus knew Peter had loved Him. He also knew he had betrayed Him three times. Just as his betrayal wasn’t complete until the third time, HIS restoration in Peter wasn’t complete until the third time. This is an important lesson because He often allows to be put in positions where we’ve fallen in the past and we have two choices…fall again as we run towards death (spiritually) or choose what’s better and be restored by His touch and words…
We live in a broken world with broken people craving and fearing what it takes to be made whole again. Each of us has to get to a point where we understand our unworthiness because we see His worthiness. You’ll never know the depths and freedom of restoration until you understand the complete unworthiness of yourself. For those of you trying to avoid that kind of desperation, you will fall short like Judas. For those of you still trying to get there on your own strength, you will fall short just as Peter did. I’ll let you in on a secret: we all fall short…
For those of you looking for hope, there is some good news called grace…and it is this news that compels me to become more like Him that others may also know freedom…for what I have been freely received, I desire to freely give…
