Can I be honest about something?
It’s a scary thing to
completely trust God.
I don’t mean to say that I don’t trust Him. I do. It’s when
he asks me to do things I am not familiar with that scares me.
God asked me to give up my plans after college to travel
around the world for a year. I’m half way on that journey and have been so
satisfied here. I know that this is far better than what I had dreamed of.
He asked me to give up my life back in the states for this
year. I wouldn’t be there for graduations, weddings, family gatherings, and
moments I’d want to be there for. Instead, I’m across the world, in Asia or
Africa. It’s so hot, I’m not with familiar people, I don’t have my best friends
to talk to, I can’t hug my parents when I want, and I don’t have a bed to sleep
in. Yet, I’m still sure this is what he wants for me.
He asked me to raise $15,500 to leave, what seemed like an
impossible amount of money to raise in the economy we live in. Six months later
and three months into the Race, God gave it all to me.
There are so many things in my past, in my relationship with
the Lord, which I have seen him provide for me. I have seen His plan work out
for the better in all situations in my life. I have experienced the goodness of
digging deep, diving in, and just doing it.
But, there are still those times that I hesitate when he asks
me to give it up again, or when he asks me to completely trust him even though
I’ve never gone there before.
I’m at the point in my relationship with Jesus where I can be
honest. I can give him my heart because I know it’s safe, safer than any other
person will handle it. Safer than any other best friend, boy, parent, brother, or
mentor. So when he asked me to give up my idea of what a job looks like and
what a stable income looks like I told him I was scared.
I’m scared because I don’t know what that looks like. I don’t
know what it looks like to live off of his income, off of his support. I’ve
been living on the worlds for so long; it’s the only thing I know.
You cannot
rely on the world. I am the one who gives you everything you need. I have set
the earth on its foundation, it can never be moved. I created everything you
see around you. I provide for everything on this earth – I will provide for
you.
And God’s been working on my heart – changing my idea of what
it looks like to rely on him back in America. I always pictured myself going to
an office everyday in my heels, wearing pants suits and knowing lots of people
and making lots of money. It’s funny I always pictured that because it’s so not
me. I would be so unsatisfied with that life.
God is asking me to live off of what he wants for me, whether
that is having a steady income or it’s working at a nonprofit and support
raising. It is scary to me, stepping into the unknown of how I’m going to pay
for this or how I’m going to afford that, but I trust him.
** I wrote this blog in December. God brought it to mind recently and had me post it.
