I wrestled with God’s response of July. I didn’t understand it and I wasn’t sure if it was for sure this July or really God speaking to me. The following Monday I told my boss, Ann, about it. I asked her, “Why would God tell me this? How do I really know it was him?” She responded with encouragement to step out in faith and trust him.
So I decided I would. I was going to do whatever I could to get in on a July route. If he wanted me to go, he would open the door and provide everything I needed.
My best friend from high school is getting married in July. This is something we have dreamed about since high school. It's so hard to believe she is already getting married! I was going to be in her wedding, but now it God was telling me differently.
How could I tell her I wasn’t going to be here anymore if God had really called me to this July? For a while, I had a hard time deciding what I should do. I didn’t know if I should tell her while I am figuring things out or if I should tell her after it was final. I prayed about it and asked others what I should do. I didn’t want to go in July; I didn’t want to miss her wedding.
When it came down to it, I really just had to decide: a few years from now
when I look back on this time, do I want to say that I obeyed the Lord, or I went to the wedding… I want to obey the Lord.
So I decided to tell her before I knew for sure if I was going in July or not. I struggled so much with this. I didn’t want to hurt her. I didn’t want her to think I didn’t love her, that she wasn’t valued by me, that she didn’t meant anything to me, that I didn’t want to be there, or I didn’t agree with her marriage.
I didn’t understand why God would want me to do this, to hurt her in this way. I was scared. It took me a while to call her to tell her. It was awkward. It was difficult. It was painful.
United Pursuit Band has a song called ‘Even Now.’ I played this over and over one day while I had a long drive after our conversation. This is what the song says,
It doesn't always work like I've planned it
I've seen a lot of good things, a lot of things been out of my hands
Even when I don't understand it
We have all got choices to make
And this one is mine
Even now, here’s my heart God
Seems like all You do is so hidden
Sometimes I'm led to wonder are You working at all?
But even in the darkness I'm listening
For Your still small voice in the distance I hear You call
Even now, here’s my heart God
Runnin' out of reasons to doubt You
Can't live another day here without You
Even now here's my heart God
I'm in love
Your love is sweeter than honey
Your love is stronger than death
Your love lifts me off my burdens
And teaches me to dance
It definitely wasn’t how I planned it. I didn’t want to do the Race. I didn’t want to have to leave. But I have decided, all I can do is say yes to God and let him work out the rest.
