It’s been somewhere in the vicinity of 340 days since I tearfully pulled out of my driveway and fought hard not to look back. Driving to Nashville International that morning, I had plenty on my mind about the journey to come. I mourned the things I knew I would miss – birthdays, holidays, passing of loved ones, new movie releases, entire sports seasons, etc. – and I felt a tiny twinge of guilt for the excitement brewing in me with every passing mile. I felt God assuring me that for every moment I would miss, though it certainly wouldn’t be easy, I would trade for something equally spectacular. He didn’t disappoint.
There is no way I could adequately describe half of what I’ve seen or done over the past eleven months. I’ve literally stood on mountaintops, sweat soaked and muscles burning, exhausted and amazed that God gave me the strength to get there. I’ve met and befriended those whom the world would deem “the least of these,” my heart shattering for circumstances that seem anything but just. My eyes have opened wide to the vast myriad of ways to grow the Kingdom of God – there is ONLY ONE WAY to the Father, but there are plenty of ways to show His love. I’ve even been angry with God; there have been days, weeks and even months where I had not even the slightest understanding of what He was teaching me. There are things I still don’t understand.
But I’ve learned to trust. I’ve learned to give grace. I’ve learned that there are things that matter and a lot more things that simply don’t. I’ve learned that it really doesn’t matter what other people think – though I admittedly still struggle with this one! I’ve learned that I’m worth being loved. A LOT! And I’ve also learned that there is nothing I can do to earn it. I’ve learned that the truest form of love is given whole-heartedly, with no expectation of anything in return. I’ve learned that a relationship with God isn’t about religion or rules or rituals, though for everything there is a season. Above all else, I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.
There are things about me that are still very much the same. I still prefer borderline-scalding and ridiculously long showers; chugging enormous glasses of USDA approved milk; having brown beans and cornbread for dinner; singing hymns and Southern Gospel four-part harmonies; and relentlessly awaiting the next season/episode of Grey’s Anatomy. And I still make plenty of mistakes.
So how am I different? I’m not sure I can answer that, but I emphatically welcome you to spend time with me and let me know your thoughts and opinions. All I really know is, I’m incredibly happy. I have a far greater appreciation for EVERY aspect of my life – the people I love, the places I’ve known, the struggles I’ve faced, and especially the plan set before me that I’ve yet to even see! No matter what I’m doing, where I go or who I’m with, I know now more than ever that God will constantly be right there with me! He held me in His lap when I was sick in Haiti. He wiped my tears when I was homesick in Malaysia. He nudged me forward when I shared the Gospel in Tanzania. He ventured to castles with me in Romania, and He gave me strength I’d never known in order to finish strong in Ireland. He cradled me close as I said goodbye to the 54 people who have become so precious to me and when I boarded my final plane, feeling very alone, He assured me that I definitely WAS NOT. He’s been there every step of the way, and even now as I type, I know He’s sitting on my couch next to me, tapping His toes to the Southern Gospel blaring from my iPod.
Where ever He is, I am home.
Be Blessed,
Ashlee
