Throughout most of my life, I’ve been fairly annoyed by the stereotypical girl who constantly obsesses over the way she looks. I’ll shake my head or roll my eyes while some of my utterly gorgeous friends agonize over something so seemingly meaningless as clothing or makeup or hair. These are aspects of “girl-hood” that have sincerely NEVER (ask my mother and grandmother if you don’t believe me) mattered to me. For years, I’ve thought it was out of total security in who I am and confidence in myself as a “true” Proverbs 31 Woman, clothed in dignity and strength, that I have been able to walk through life without concern for looks or other aspects of “vanity.”
Just before leaving Month Four debrief, I was talking with my Prayer Partner, Kate, about things I could be praying for her about during this month of team leading. She explained that she wanted total abandon. She wanted me to pray for she and the girls on her team to know what it was to lay EVERYTHING down for Jesus and be completely content that following Him is totally enough. EVERYTHING – Internet, contact with family, security of having guys around, makeup, whatever…
Makeup, huh? For whatever reason, I couldn’t get this item off of my mind. Yes, I wear makeup, but it’s not a dire necessity. I contemplated not even bringing any on the Race, but I wound up throwing in the “basics” – foundation, eye shadow, eye liner and mascara – after several past Racer’s blogs encouraged doing so just in case I ever wanted to “look like a girl.” There have been days on the Race when I’ve worn it, and there have been days when I haven’t. Neither have seemed any more significant than the other. But still, Kate’s declaration about being willing to lay makeup down before Jesus hit me in a way I couldn’t explain, and so I decided that I would declare Cambodia a:
NO MAKEUP MONTH.
It made a little sense to me, I suppose. When I expressed to my team my desire to do this, I explained that over the past month or so I’d been having some body image issues – more due to the crazy amount of food I consumed while in Thailand and Malaysia – and I thought that doing this “makeup fast” would be a good way to tap into my “natural, God-given” beauty. None of this is false and I know that He has used the process to heal some of this issue, but God clearly had an entire other agenda.
All month, I’ve been fighting pride, silently gloating about how confident I am and how easy it is for me not to gain value or self-worth based on the physical appearance of my face. I’ve fed myself lines about how my future husband will love me for my natural looks and how the man for me will be able to see past the false, fake, painted on aspect of make up and appreciate my true beauty. Not wearing makeup has been a breeze. It’s been one less thing to worry about when getting ready for ministry, which means a few more hours of sleep. I’ve even thought about how much lighter my daypack would be if I threw out the “basic” items that I brought and went totally “natural” for the rest of the Race. I am She-Rah! Woman of strength, dignity, confidence, beauty and heart! I don’t need any additives! Yeah… I’ve been so prideful that I wanted to write this blog and brag on myself. I wanted to tell you all about how God has freed and protected me from the evils of vanity and low self-esteem. I wanted to… but I couldn’t.
No really, I couldn’t. I physically sat down at my computer and began typing, and somewhere in the first paragraph – yeah, the one that is written and you just read – I realized something. Sitting on the front porch of a tree house in Cambodia, I relived countless moments throughout my life when I’ve compared myself to other women. I’ve looked at strangers, friends, and even family and thought,
‘Wow! They are absolutely gorgeous. Why would any man ever look past them to look at me? What chance do I have at ever being the center of attention? Why should I even bother with makeup or hair or “fixing” myself. What’s the point?’
Suddenly my wall of “confidence” and “pride” came crashing down in a pile of self-loathing and pity, and to be honest, it stung. It’s not fun to realize that for twenty-three years, I haven’t had many instances where I’ve felt “worth” someone’s attention. I’ve been the “bigger” girl among my group of friends for most of my life, so I’ve just come to accept that the smaller girls will always be favored. I’ve never cared about makeup or hair because I never thought it would make any difference. I didn’t find myself “naturally” pretty, and I didn’t think it would do any good to add to an already flawed canvas.
Then God reminded me of every time I’ve passed by our mirror throughout this month. I haven’t voiced anything aloud, but in my head, the thoughts haven’t been nice.
Man, you’re looking rough today. You could at least put on some mascara. Why won’t you even try to help yourself?’
The thing is, I can’t honestly tell you that by the end of this blog, God has given me some master plan to accepting and relishing in my true beauty. That’s not really the case. I KNOW I am beautiful. I am a Woman of God. I am His creation. He instilled in me, and in all women, a beauty that is so rare and so of Him that even Satan is jealous. He wishes he could be even half as pretty as I am. That said, knowing something and truly believing it are two different things.
I don’t write this expecting a gazillion responses about how “truly beautiful” I am, (although any such compliment will be fully appreciated.) At this point, I honestly don’t know why I’m writing this, considering the initial intent is long gone. All I know is that this month, I am beginning a journey to discover and believe in my “natural” beauty, to believe that I am worth the effort to enhance it, and to know that both versions of me are meant to be equally stunning, phenomenal representations of the beautiful God in whose image I am formed.
Be Blessed,
Ashlee
