Expectation #9,568,742,389 for Ashlee on The World Race: Plenty of moved-to-tears moments.
I’m not overly emotional, in general. I cry during SOME movies (Armageddon or Steel Magnolias are almost guarantees.) Once in a while I’ll get super invested in a book I’m writing and I’ll cry for my characters – they’re like my babies. Some people know how to pull the tears out with just one glance – Ma Nel, I’m talking to you – but, for the most part, I’m fairly sound-minded, sometimes even seemingly hard-hearted, and typically a strong young lady. In any case, I don’t always like this “attribute.”
Pre-World Race I did pretty well keeping the flood gates in check. Only in my last day or two at home did I really let loose, and basically that was because of ONE thing – I was gonna miss my Mama! (And a whole bunch of other pretty fantastic people!) Either way, I just assumed that the emotions that had finally broken free after months of unexplained strength would carry over to #11n11.
Not quite the case.
My pools have run kind of dry. It seems that no matter what happens; if my teammates are upset, if we are praying over a child with cancer, if I am touched deeply by a revelation from God, or even my grandfather passed away, tears just don’t come.
Trust me, it is not for lack of want. If I had my “druthers,” I’d be able to cry out my issues and call them good. I find myself frustrated with myself, and even sometimes frustrated with God…
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?! I AM WATCHING YOUR HAND LITERALLY AT WORK ALL AROUND ME AND STILL, I’VE GOT NOTHING BREWING! I CAN’T SHOW ANYONE THE OUTWARD EXPRESSION OF WHAT YOU ARE STIRRING INSIDE ME!”
For the record, I’m learning that my frustrations turned heated convos with God typically result in some SERIOUSLY humbling answers. I’m not saying, “don’t use my methods,” if you need to, but I’m offering the courtesy of a forewarning. God can drop bombs on your when you get testy with Him.
Bombs like:
1. Ashlee, I made you an individual. You are different from every other child of mine and you don’t experience Me the same as anyone. Stop complaining and start accepting who I made you to be.
Or…
2. Is there any reason not to trust the promise in Isaiah 41:9-10?
“I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, “You are my servant; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
I have given you crazy strength for a purpose; use it for MY glory!
And even still…
3. You won’t be in this season forever…
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens… a time to weep, and a time to laugh.” –Ecclesiastes 3:1&4
Noted.
Comparing my walk with God to anyone else’s is ludicrous. God, who in infinite power and wisdom created EVERYONE, likewise desires a separate, individual relationship with each of us. He likes for some of us to praise Him through song, some of us to edify His Kingdom with gifts, some of us to evangelize, some of us to LOVE, some of us to laugh and some of us to cry.
For now, He’s calling me to accept a season of smiles and adventures, of getting to CELEBRATE how INCREDIBLE God’s plan for my life is, and trusting that EMOTION comes in ALL forms!
Someday, maybe I’ll be able to cry, but for now, I’m going to be happy just being happy.
Be Blessed,
Ashlee
