I just did a Jillian Michael’s video on a rooftop in Haiti. I’m sweaty (nothing new), my clothes and any exposed skin are covered in chalky dust, and my muscles are screaming in response to the first real physical exertion in, literally, months! For someone who at the beginning of this year could not get enough of the gym, I’ve gotten a little lazy. And with that physical laziness, I’ve become somewhat apathetic about life in general. If nothing else, I’m thankful to have done this video just for the sake of FEELING something – even if it is pain – for the first time in a while.
Haiti is HEAVY! It is incredible how the atmosphere of a place can sincerely adjust your entire Spiritual attitude. Much of this month I’ve been asking God, “Where Are You?!? Why can’t I FEEL you?!? Why can’t I FEEL ANYTHING?!?” It is easy to begin to think that something is wrong with me, personally; I entertain lies that I’m not doing enough or I haven’t worked hard enough for God to show up. Yeah, this place is HEAVY, for sure!
In the past three weeks: I’ve prayed for a beggar on the street and watched the Holy Spirit move him to tears despite a MAJOR language barrier. Liz and I were approached by a man with jaw pain asking us to pray for healing – we did pray, and God answered! This guy walked away ALL SMILES, awe-stricken by what had just taken place. Karen and I prayed for a Voodoo Priest – EVEN THOUGH HE REFUSED OUR OFFER TO DO SO – and I watched him eye us suspiciously, clearly uncomfortable with a Godly power he could not understand. I felt the stomach of one of our cooks tensing and twitching as I laid hands and asked for healing from an undiagnosed ailment – SHE’S BETTER NOW, btw. God has given me song after song to offer in prayer. He even called me to preach a message on living Passionate for Him.
All of this, and STILL, I struggle with the feeling of APATHY. “What is the point? What purpose am I serving? This isn’t enough to matter; why am I here?!?”
It’s frustrating to, literally, be in the throws of what God is clearly accomplishing and still feel so emotionless and ungrateful. THAT IS NOT ME! THAT is the weight of this place, of the opposition these people wade through on a daily basis, of the evil so thick you can hardly see through it and of the sorrow-filled air that honestly hurts to breath in.
God, however, has called His children – He has called ME – to be a light (having been filled with His light) in an incredibly dark world. BUT HOW?!?
Liz and I have decided that for each of our remaining 10 days in Haiti, we will name goals and we will name things we are thankful for in order to keep ourselves fueled and keep our lamps lit for the task at hand. Here we go:
First things first, GIVE THANKS!
Why I Am Thankful!
1. I am not the least bit hungry!
2. Worship in Haiti is so much fun!
3. God put me on the strongest team EVER! Seriously, these women kick butt!
4. Haiti has the best cookies I’ve ever eaten; they’re blackberry flavored and delicious!
5. My journal is with me and its getting used; it’s heavy, but so worth the weight!
6. I have a family who would literally support me no matter how crazy my decisions seem!
7. Community closets (19 wardrobes) are the ONLY way to live!
8. WE have A TON of free time to rest up for months to come!
9. I’ve gotten to build great relationships with squad-mates in our house!
10. HAND-WASHING LAUNDRY is THERAPEUTIC!
And now…
Goals!
1. Learn how to spend one-on-one time in Worship with God.
2. Know how to best love each of my teammates.
3. Cry – Happy, Sad or Angry, I just need a release of emotion.
4. Have a sing-along of some of my favorite hymns and southern gospel songs.
5. Lead someone to Christ!
6. Do daily “treasure hunts” to find what God wants to do through me.
7. Practice playing worship songs on my harmonica.
8. Pray for insight into God’s plan for me POST WR.
9. Finish reading “Redeeming Love.”
10. Pray from someone in Haiti, daily!
There is, clearly, much to be accomplished in the time remaining here. With utmost sincerity, I ask for specific prayers over each of these goals, that through them I would truly feel God’s presence and know contentment of serving Him. Likewise, please share any goals or insights for Haiti (or me) that God may reveal to you during your prayer time.
I don’t say enough how much I truly appreciate EVERY person who is petitioning God on my behalf. I am so highly favored, no doubt because my name NEVER leaves His ear. Prayer Warriors Rock! I love you all!
Be Blessed,
Ashlee
