In my last blog post, we determined that I wouldn’t make a very good livestock farmer. Judging by my “pack-rat” tendencies, I’d get WAY too attached to every single animal and when I had to rid the herd of the lesser-desirables, I’d be way too sappy and just want to keep them all. If I’m being incredibly honest, though, I doubt I’d be very good at being “culled,” either.
I’m a creature of habit. Familiarity is my fabulous comfort. Tradition is my ultimate joy. And frankly, I think that just about any form of change sucks. Some folks seem bestowed with the ability to move on from people and circumstances without a second thought. That. Is. Not. Me. Cut me from my “herd” and prepare for the most intense bawling you’ve ever seen. Snot included. Promise.
Up until this week, I’ve been almost prideful concerning how calm I’ve remained about leaving behind my family, friends, home and all-around life for 11 months. I’m quite well known for intense homesickness, so God has definitely been granting me LOADS of mercy leading up to this departure; He even perfectly directed many of my squad-mates throughout training camp to keep me sane and feeling loved amid a few rounds of “I miss my Mommy!” tears. Other than that week of minor hiccups (and let’s face it, with sleep deprivation, extreme dietary changes, incredibly Spiritual revamping and a “shower-time-is-your-ONLY-alone-time” atmosphere, they were asking for it!), for months leading up to now I’ve impressed even myself.
Then, out of nowhere, reality decided to smack me!
Somehow I’d grown numb to the pain of all these “lasts”. Last meals with family, last times out with friends, last hugs, last songs, last naps on my couch, last moments at Church. Wait! What? This stuff is really happening?
Yep. Every day.
Let’s be truthful; this part of the journey isn’t fun. It isn’t glamorous. It isn’t heroic or admirable or remotely easy. It just plain hurts. Each time someone asks, “Are you ready?” I nod and smile, and talk about having basically been “packed” for weeks and about how amazingly calm God has kept me, but in the back of my mind there is a voice screaming, “Are you nuts!?!? Who could ever be ready for this!?”
*Note: Prepared and Ready are two totally different concepts.
I’m prepared for bug bites, ridiculous heat, nausea, rain, blisters, sinus issues, squatty potties, stinky clothes, stinky bodies, etc. Check my packing list if you don’t believe me; but nothing in my pack could ready me for the intense wave of emotion I’m currently experiencing.
Satan will use ANYTHING to deter God’s will. He’s threatened my mind with terrors of friends forgetting about me, fear for family members’ safety, pain of losing loved ones, disgrace of not meeting expectations; and those attacks just barely scratch the surface. But God knows all about every, single one of those hesitations. He made me. He wired me. He knows what makes me tick, and He’s SO good at providing just what I need for reassurance that what He’s asked me to do is RIGHT! It is a perfectly designed plan. It is where I’m meant to go and He is in full control of EVERY situation. He will care for me, my family, and my friends no matter where ANY of us travel throughout the next 11 months, or the next 80 years or WHATEVER.
I’ve told several people, “I don’t dread going. I dread leaving.” That’s the simple truth. There are things about my life that God has programmed me to love. There are people that He has placed in my path to be my “Jesus with skin on,” and I’m going to miss them terribly! He knows that. He is okay with that. And He will help me get through it.
My Squad-mate, Claire, posted a blog a few days ago listing the Top 10 things she would miss most while on the World Race; then she followed up with the Top 10 things she was most looking forward to. I loved the idea; so this isn’t stealing; it’s just “not reinventing the wheel.”
Top 10 “Gonna Miss” List (in no particular order)
10. Christmas Eve at my Grandparents’ house – my all-time FAVORITE tradition.
9. Daily morning telephone chats with my VBFF.
8. Wal-mart! And Old Navy. And Wendy’s. And Steak and Shake. And convenience.
7. The smell of firing tobacco. And the smell of laundry in transit from washing machine to dryer.
6. Philosophical conversations about life (and our unique, but always similar view on it) with Dad.
5. Fishing with my Pa Henry (and the little cousins who always tag along!)
4. Singing in the Bellview choir on Sunday mornings.
3. Movie dates with my Mama.
2. Ma Nel’s Brown Beans and Corn Bread.
1. Friend Dates with all my besties. Having lunch. Road-tripping. Consignment shopping. Hugs.
And I must add a very special EXTRA to this list… UK Basketball.
NONE of those are easy to say goodbye to, but luckily I DO have a Loooooooooong list of things I’m looking forward to along The World Race. Narrowing down to 10 is tough!
Top 10 “This Is Gonna Be Good” List (again, in no particular order)
10. Photo opportunities! There is not enough camera memory in the world for the insane amount of pics I want to take!
9. A true understanding of sibling-life. I’m pretty sure 100% of my time spent with the five Dunamis POWER ladies is going to come as close to the reality of “growing up” with siblings as I have ever dared go.
8. Bible Study. Hardcore! Can’t wait to gain comprehension and understanding from being CONSTANTLY In-The-Word and surrounded by Godly people who can help me grow in Biblical knowledge!
7. NEW FOOD!!! Bring it on; I want to try it ALL. I want to learn to cook it ALL. I want to NOT gain weight from it ALL! Or get sick from it ALL. But I think it’s ALL going to be good!
6. Introducing my teammates, my Squad, and you know… the Nations… to Southern Gospel Music! And rocking out to it!
5. Travel Days. I find that some of my best stories are born when I’m in transit.
4. Seeing miracles and healing, and playing whatever role God has outlined for me in those and every other accomplishment He has planned!
3. Holding babies. Getting schooled in soccer by hundreds of kiddos. Teaching card games to teenagers. Leaving friendship bracelets with little girls I meet. Loving on em!
2. Skype sessions with classrooms in my alma maters (and even some surrounding school systems) from all across the globe – Good luck keeping God out of these schools! One class has already been practicing Praise and Worship songs to sing for me and all those around!!!
1. The chance to know God like I’ve never known Him. To constantly trust His guidance; to know that His plan is perfect and that I simply have to faithfully follow and Go.
It's a bittersweet goodbye (or maybe just a "see you later.") Life will go on while I’m away. People will change. Circumstances will alter. Family and friends will be totally different. Faith will evolve. My life will never be the same.
I don’t want to miss a thing!
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you… plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11
Be Blessed,
Ashlee
