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I have been dreading writing this blog, but I know it is one that needs to be written. It is awkward for me to share this story with you as this is not typically something I would share except maybe with my closest friends. I apologize in advance if you feel awkward at parts of it or feel it inappropriate but don’t say I didn’t warn you. J And, there is a purpose in my sharing this with you as you will find out if you keep reading.

 

One day during the summer I was up early to go to a doctor’s appointment. Now this wasn’t just any doctor’s appointment… I was going to the gynecologist. I don’t like going to the doctors in general but I was absolutely dreading this appointment. I had only been once before and it was one of the worst experiences ever. So much so that, even though it is expected annually, I swore I was never going to go back unless it was absolutely necessary. That was six years ago. Now, it wasn’t absolutely necessary that I go this summer but after the prompting of my family doctor I decided it was probably something I needed to do. The last time I had gone the gynecologist had found a lump which then led to a mammogram and some other tests to determine if it was cancerous or not. That was also a terrible experience but thankfully they determined it was not cancerous. Thinking about those experiences and knowing I hadn’t been to the gynecologist in a long time, I was concerned on what was going to take place at this appointment.

 
 
 
As I was getting ready, my sister came in my room to find out what I was doing up so early. I told her I was going to the doctor. Being the only ones home, she asked me how I was getting there (if you haven’t read my previous blogs, I don’t have a car) and I told her that I was walking. She gave me a funny look and said, “If you would have told me, I probably could have taken you on my way to work.” She walked out of my room and I finished getting ready. She was back at my door a few minutes later saying, “I can probably still take you if you want me to.” I told her that it was okay because I wanted to walk. She looked at me like I was crazy as I gathered my stuff to leave.

 
 
Maybe I am crazy. What would be a ten minute drive is a much longer walk. But having been home from the WR only a few months, I was still in the mindset that walking is the norm. Most times we walked to our ministry sites even if it took 45 minutes or longer to get there and we did it every day. On the WR, I came to find that those walks were times that I could spend in prayer preparing for my day of ministry. And that was why I wanted to walk. I wanted, no I needed, to spend time in prayer before my appointment. I was worried and part of me scared… fearing the worst. What if the lump is cancerous now? What if it has spread since I was there last? All the “What ifs” and maybe even some irrational fears running through my head.

 
 

So I set off and I began to pray. Giving all my fears and anxieties to God. Asking Him to be with me in the appointment no matter the outcome. Part of a song popped in my head so I started singing:

Into Marvelous light I’m running. Out of darkness, out of shame.

By the cross you are the truth, you are the life, you are the way…

(you can listen here) 

 
 
A ways into my walk having the thought, “I wish I was a boy. Then I wouldn’t have to go through all of this. Because who really wants to go to an appointment every year where we have to get naked and then are felt up, inflicted pain upon, and you leave bleeding. Not me. And we pay them for this? Pretty sure guys don’t have to go through that.”

 
 
I made it to my appointment right on time. Thankful to sit down, I filled out the needed paperwork. Then I was taken back to the examination room. The doctor came in and asked me some questions. She left so I could get undressed before she came back to complete her examination. I will spare all the details and medical terminology but basically she told me that from some things she was noticing, it appeared as though my hormones aren’t balanced… that I have high levels of testosterone. She went on to explain that if not treated, I could experience male pattern hair growth, among other things, but the most common is facial hair.

 
 
I left that appointment not knowing what to think. I had gone in fearing that I was going to have to get another mammogram and the fear of cancer but I came out having been told that my hormones are messed up. That was not what I was expecting. I began my long walk back home. So many questions filled my head. Once again, I began to pray giving all of it to God. On my walk back, I was reminded of my thoughts earlier of how it would be better to be a boy… and exclaimed, “God… I don’t really want to be a boy! I don’t want to look like one either… I am a girl.”

 

Throughout the rest of the day, the song from earlier continued to play through my head… the same part over and over… Into Marvelous light I’m running. Out of darkness, out of shame. By the cross you are the truth, you are the life, you are the way…

 

I felt that God was telling me that I was walking out of my shame.

 

                                      


Shame = the uncomfortable or painful feeling that we experience when we realize that a part of us is defective, bad, incomplete, rotten, phony, inadequate, or a failure

                                

In some way that day was a significant part of that walk. Yes, there are things in my life that bring me shame and I have lived in shame because of them. Those are things and parts of me I had wanted to deny and I hid them. I am not perfect and I know that I am not but for some reason I felt like that was how I had to portray myself to people. Feeling I had to live up to expectations. Perhaps because of my PRIDE. I was afraid to admit my imperfections and failures… afraid of what people might think… how they might view me.

 

God has been speaking to me about being vulnerable and this is a journey He started me on while on the WR. Sharing my flaws, imperfections, and failures. The ways that I felt defective or inadequate. Things I felt shame in. Allowing God and others to see me for who I really am and not just for what I want them to see.

 

 Much like that day at the gynecologist…

 To stand naked

 Exposed

 Every flaw and imperfection clearly visible

Unable to hide

 
 

That day at the gynecologist, I stood before her and she pointed out my physical/medical flaws; yet, I felt no shame when there once was a time I would have. The significance of that day is the realization of that song. For that is what God has done in my life not just at the appointment but in other areas, as well. As I have started sharing the things in my life, I brought them out of darkness and into the light. I exposed them. In the dark they hold power and I was isolated, but exposed in the light is where healing can take place.

  

I know I am not alone. Many of us have shame in some area of our life whether it is insecurities in our physical appearance, qualities in us that we view as defective, things we have done, or maybe even things that were done to us. Despite all of this, we should be able to stand “naked” before Christ. Exposing all of our sins, flaws, and imperfections and giving them to Him. He created us and He knows the depth of our sin. He is aware of everything; yet, He still accepts us and loves us for who we are.

 

Trusting God and knowing the LOVE He has for me is what has helped me on my journey. It doesn’t mean it is easy but because of the TRUST I have in God I knew I had to listen in His leading me to be vulnerable with others and even in posting this blog. I have found the more I talk about the things I had found shame in the easier it becomes in sharing it and I usually don’t get the reaction that I was afraid would happen. Not only have I seen that I am still accepted and loved but that I can begin to embrace who I am. I am a girl who has flaws and imperfections but God has created me to be me. God has forgiven me and He accepts me and loves me for who I am. Now it is time I do the same for myself.

 

I invite you to do the same… identify what brings you shame and give it to God. Don’t deny it or hide it any longer. Know that He loves you and accepts you regardless. Begin to share with someone you trust and bring your shame into the light. Don’t let shame hold power over your life. Let your healing begin.

 

                                        

 

Into Marvelous light I’m running. Out of darkness, out of shame. By the cross you are the truth, you are the life, you are the way…