“UHHH GOD! I CAN'T DO IT!”
Scissors in hand, I stare in the mirror with tears running down my face, struggling with the battle of my identity.
I know what scripture says about identity…
Colossians 3:3-4
For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
Galatians 3:26-27
You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.
Colossians 3:12
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
But I didn't fully grasp it till this night.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013 Approx. 6:30pm
Session started off great, worship was on fire and the squad was praising God wholeheartedly.
Except me.
We started singing “I surrender” By Hillsong, one of my favorite songs.
Here I am
Down on my knees again
Surrendering all
Surrendering all
Find me here
Lord as You draw me near
Desperate for You
Desperate for You
I surrender
Drench my soul
As mercy and grace unfold
I hunger and thirst
I hunger and thirst
With arms stretched wide
I know You hear my cry
Speak to me now
Speak to me now
I surrender
I surrender
I wanna know You more
I wanna know You more
Like a rushing wind
Jesus breathe within
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me
Like a mighty storm
Stir within my soul
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me
I surrender
I surrender
I wanna know You more
I wanna know You more
I grew up in a family where all the girls had long hair. Long thick hair was a sign of beauty and the women in our family took pride in it.
I know I did.
I spent a lot of time and money to keep it looking good and I would often get compliments on it.
I liked the compliments, they made me feel good… for a short time.
God started speaking to me about what beauty is in His eyes and how it differs from what I grew up knowing.
He placed this scripture on my heart early in my walk…
1 Peter 3:3-4
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
I wasn't fully surrendered and I knew I wouldn't be until my hair was gone.
I couldn't sing the words anymore because it was a lie.
I was desperate for a change in my life but I didn't want to make it. I wanted God to do something to change something.
He was waiting for me to change.
Very much like the song I was drenched with peace knowing that I had to cut it.
This night.
Not next week in Thailand like I planned.
I felt a rush flow through me…
Like a rushing wind
Jesus breathe within
I got up, grabbed Emily Gironimi, and asked her to get me her scissors.
We ran downstairs to her room and she handed them to me and said, “I knew I was suppose to keep these for a reason.” (She was going to get rid of them)
Scissors in hand, I stare in the mirror with tears running down my face still struggling with my identity.
“I am led by the Spirit, not by my emotions”
“I am led by the Spirit, not by my emotions”
“I am led by the Spirit, not by my emotions”
Like a mighty storm
Stir within my soul
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me
I grab a chunk of hair and let the scissors run through it.
As my hair falls to the ground so does the false identity that came with it.
Freedom.
I surrender
I surrender
I wanna know You more
I wanna know You more
To be continued…
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