I can say that this may be one of the most raw moments I’ve had in awhile.
This blog is about the day I called myself beautiful.
How many times have I hidden my arms, my body, my laughter, or my opinions?
How many times have I heard a word spoken about me, a comment, a look and sot to become quiet?
I thought of these as my squad and I sat in a session for debrief in Banos, Ecuador. We had been taught a lesson on vulnerability and declaring truths we hope to live out.
Each of us were now called to rise and stand in front of the group of 33 to declare something we wish to leave behind. Something hindering our relationship with the Lord. It was a chance for empowerment.
I sat there tongue tied, fearful, and overwhelmed. I considered puking or sitting silent. So, I sat. For a long time. What was I to declare? I kept praying and heard I was to stand on the chair and pronounce my own beauty. To declare I have struggled to believe I was beautiful. To tell all beauty was OK to be seen.
WHAT?
No thanks God, I’m good.
My heart was pounding about 30 beats a second and I was pretty sure my plastic chair was not going to hold my weight. But, I stood and declared it. It has fueled a growth.
For years, I struggled with the thought of being noticed. As if being noticed went hand-in-hand with being seen for all the wrong reasons. People spoke over me-I was unseen, I was unworthy, and my body was only to be viewed, not loved. So, I walked in that. But, it is time to walk away from those words, because they aren’t truth.
Yes, I am kind, but that doesn’t mean I am silent.
Yes, I am compassionate, but that doesn’t mean I am hidden.
I am seen.
I am worthy.
and my body is a fortress in which He dwells.
It is beautiful.
He has given me truth and love and I’m tired…no I am utterly sick of hiding it inside.
I am declaring now, I have something to say.
What a powerful statement, calling myself beautiful. Why is this not a common declaration? I mean, look at the amazing bits of creation we each are! At first, I thought it came with a lack of humility. As if to call myself beautiful was to loose a discipline, speaking a false insight.
That isn´t it.
Stating one’s own beauty is empowering and good. Lack of humility, my butt. I didn’t create me. Saying I’m beautiful is simply reflecting on the craftsmanship of my creator. I look at the mountains and see their beauty, and marvel at the beauty of my teammates, my squadmates. I weep over the beauty of the children I hold in my arms.
But, how dare I ignore the creation that I see in the mirror every morning.
I can speak talents and encouragement over my friends and my family all day, every day. How dare I ignore and hide the talents and gifts the Lord has given me.
God is in the mirror. When I ignore who I am, I ignore who He is.
There is humility in that I am not, He is.
BOLDNESS
COURAGE
I can stand on a chair and be seen because it is an opportunity to see Him.
The struggle is here, I struggle with confidence, courage, standing strong in my beliefs and words. I second guess my heart, my intentions. But, I recognize this and am striving towards claiming victory in that area. I pray the Lord will lead me to my voice. Heck, I want to hear that voice sing louder than any other.
It’s good if people look because the Lord has made me beautiful in His image and that image is grand.
It’s good to speak because He has given me truth and love. I mean, the Lord is in me and working through me, how can I keep quiet?
How can I travel the world and leave myself behind?
I had to come to the most beautiful place I have been in my entire life to realize how beautiful I am.
I encourage each of you to walk into who you are created to be. Recognize it. Take away that fear, it is not serving you anymore. It’s worth the fight.
You are the most beautiful creation.
Psalms 45:11
(photo cred to my squadmate Mike Ward)
