“I will never get angry.”
“I will never trust anyone ever again.”
“I will always be strong.”
“I will do everything perfectly.”
Do any of those sound familiar? Have you ever made such a bold declaration? Well, I have. These kind of statements are called inner vows. I was recently reintroduced to this term through an inner healing course I’m taking.
What is an Inner Vow?
An inner vow is basically a promise we make to ourselves to keep from ever being hurt again. It’s a personal fortress of sorts we use to guard ourselves from pain. In many circumstances it seems right and logical. We feel justified to be make such a promise. I mean, when hurt the natural thing to do is to protect ourselves (and others) from it happening again. We feel justified in making inner vows, but we would be wise to take seriously the warning offered us in Proverbs 14:12: “there is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.” So, how does an “innocent” statement such as an inner vow lead to death? How does breaking such a promise give us life? Let me do my best to explain through a recent realization of my own: I easily trust God with every area of my life except my finances. Why?
Inner Vows in My Life
For the past two years my life, in many ways, has been at the mercy of…people. I know, I know it’s ultimately in the hands of God, but He works through people, right? I’ve needed people to support me financially, feed me, and even house me. How did I get here? To a place where I can’t support and take care of myself?
I got my first job at 14 and worked at least two jobs at a time for the next ten years. In the midst of that I put myself through undergrad and graduate school. Why? Well there are few reasons. First, my family didn’t have much money and I was always reminded of that. I saw getting a job as a way to relieve some of the financial burden from my mom. In addition to that there was this little promise I made to myself that influenced this drive to earn money. When I was about six I remember thinking “I will never rely on people to take care of me.” By that point in my life I already witnessed so many people (including myself) burned by people they trusted and those that were supposed to take care for them. I saw dependence on others as a weakness I wanted nothing to do with. Regardless of where that thought came from, I agreed with it and it has been the driving force behind so many decisions in my life.
This vow to basically protect myself from further disappointment, betrayal, and neglect eventually turned into a point of pride for me. When I was 19 I basically declared this to the world when I got the word “superwoman” tattooed on my wrist. I was independent and proud. Although I was keeping my promise to take care of myself, inside the constant inner turmoil of fear, stress, worry, anxiety, and loneliness were constant reminders of this hidden vow.
As I reflected on this inner vow which was brought to mind last week, I realized that a big part of my current struggle is that I am now living in the very opposite extreme of my promise to myself. I’ve gone from living a life devoted to taking care of myself to having no choice but to rely on others. I thought God completely broke me of this desire for independence in Seattle when I couldn’t pay my rent and arrived home to an anonymous card with $500 inside. Or when people gave $18,000 ($2,000) more than needed) for me to travel around the world to love and serve the “least of these.” And here I am, one week away and $2,800 from another financial deadline and I’m still finding it hard to fully trust God. There’s a part in me that yearns to do it on my own. The fear of being let down, neglected, and even feeling like a burden is in direct conflict with my desire to depend fully on a God who has proven more than faithful and able to provide. It’s at odds with the beauty I’ve found in seeing others respond generously to my needs and love me so well. My six year old self is terrified of the risk while the 25 year old me wants so badly to rest and for once allow someone else to take care of me.
Breaking the Inner Vow
The truth is, this inner vow to take care of myself has led to death. And the irony of it is that there have been many moments I have failed to take care of myself. It’s robbed me of deep and intimate relationships with God and others, it’s limited my ability to receive love by allowing others to meet my needs, and it’s created a sense of pride that steals all joy. I don’t want that. I no longer want to be enslaved to this promise. I want to let God be God in my life and that includes letting Him be my fortress and protector (Psalm 18:2).
In the end, inner vows keep us separated from God, others, and our true self. They are based in the unbelief that says “God, I don’t believe you can take care of me even though you say you can and will.” Even though they are often a response to a real abuse or injustice, they are sinful and require a conscience choice and effort to turn away from them and turn towards God’s truth. It requires risks. For many of us it will take time to rebuild new habits and ways of thinking that align our lives with God’s truth and promises. Although I’m not fully there, I have broken this promise to myself and am learning daily to walk in a new way that says “I will rely on God…and those He chooses to use to meet my needs.” Now, that is freedom and something that brings life!
Most inner vows are made as children and are unconscious. Can you think of times when you protected your heart from hurt by promising yourself, “I will never…” or “I will always…?” I encourage you to write down those inner vows and allow God to remove them and become your source of protection.
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