We’re at the halfway point of the Race.
It’s like this when you live a story: The first part happens fast. You throw yourself into the narrative, and you’re finally out in the water; the shore is pushing off behind you and the trees are getting smaller. The distant shore doesn’t seem so far, and you can feel the resolution coming, the feeling of getting out of your boat and walking the distant beach. You think the thing is going to happen fast, that you’ll paddle for a bit and arrive on the other side by lunch. But the truth is, it isn’t going to be over soon.
I now find myself in a daily battle between praise and worry, excitement and weariness, diligence and passivity. Most of the checkpoints leading up to this point have arrived with only my final fundraising deadline remaining.
I’m learning a lot about resting in the middle. It’s hit me that I have no idea what’s on the other side of this journey. Where I’ll live. How I’ll earn money. Who I’ll be. It’s the point where thoughts of the future creep in and questions of how it’s all going to work out try to steal what remains and my ability to sacrificially love others. The initial excitement wore off and everyday requires a conscious choice to be present, choose joy, and find meaning in the seemingly mundane. Pretty much, the World Race is now “life.”
The reward you get from a story is always less than you thought it would be, and the work is harder than you imagine. The point of a story is never about the ending, remember. It’s about your character getting molded in the hard work of the middle. At some point the shore behind you stops getting smaller, and you paddle and wonder why the same strokes that used to move you now only rock the boat. The shore you left is just as distant, and there is no going back; there is only the decision to paddle in place or stop. Maybe there’s another story at the bottom of the sea. Maybe you don’t have to be in this story anymore…this is when most people give up on their stories.
The half-way point revealed a harmful pattern in my life: I quit when things get hard. Relationships. Jobs. Disciplines.
I rarely “officially” quit, but I give up in my mind, emotions, and will. I stop trying, believing, and hoping. I work so hard to get “there,” yet once the excitement wears off, I realize it’s going to be more work than I thought. More sacrifice and vulnerability than I want to give. So, I resign. When it’s completed I often find myself disappointed. Realizing the strain and striving to reach some particular outcome and some ideal version of myself was based on an illusion. Some misplaced hope of satisfaction and purpose in something other than God.
The most frustrating and most beautiful part about all of this is that my old ways no longer work. The knowledge, experiences, coping methods, and selfish ambitions that used to motivate me, give me confidence, and push me forward are now unfruitful.
It’s like this with every crossing, and with nearly every story too. You paddle until you no longer believe you can go any further. And then suddenly, well after you thought it would happen, the other shore starts to grow, and it grows fast. The trees get taller and you can make out the crags in the cliffs, and then the shore reaches out to you, to welcome you home, almost pulling your boat into the sand (Excerpt from “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: How to Live a Better Story”).
The Apostle Paul says his strength is made perfect in weakness, so he boasts in them. The Lord says his grace is sufficient in our weakness.
Some days I feel confident, secure, and able. But more than not, I am fully aware of my insecurities and inabilities. Out in the middle I am learning I have no other option than to fully rely on God for all things, at all times. He is filling me up with a truly honest & raw relationship with Him, a genuine compassion for others, and a perspective on leadership that is no longer satisfied with my own recognition.
For the first time in a long time, I want to finish something and finish strong. I want to give it all I’ve got and allow God to do the rest. I want to find just as much joy, meaning, and purpose in the everyday as I expect from the “big events” of life.
So, to encourage you. When you can’t see what’s on the other side, keep your eyes on the One who does. The One who has ordered your steps. The One who promises plans to give you a hope and a future and a purpose. God has our best in mind and He is surely more concerned with who we are becoming than what we’ll do. Faith at all times requires a stepping out before you know what’s on the other side or exactly how it’s all going to work.
And the exciting part is, the more I surrender, the more I see and the closer I am to the once distant shore.
FUNDRAISING UPDATE: My final deadline is this Saturday, March 1st. If I do not meet this deadline I will be sent home with only 6 months on the field. If you are able to give in any amount, please follow the steps below. Thank you!
MAKE A DONATION: I still need $2,592 to cover the cost for this trip. If you are able to support me financially, click “SUPPORT ME” on the left to make a tax-deductible donation. Or, cut out the small online processing fee by mailing a check to:
Adventures in Missions
PO Box 534470
Atlanta, GA 30353-4470
Checks should be made out to “Adventures in Missions”
***Put “PERKINSSHATERIKA” in the memo line of the check!!!!!***
