Yesterday, was such a wonderful day! Most of us took a bus to the city of Managua to enjoy our day off. We created so many memories including laughter, dancing, treasure finding at the market, and of course, great food! As we left dinner to begin the 2.5 hour trek back home, our day became much more adventurous.
My heart stopped as our taxi stalled. After a few tries, the car restarted and we were off again. Me and my other three squad mates let out a deep exhale. This was quickly followed by laughter as we each shared the thoughts going through our heads. Within a couple of minutes, Kath inquiries from the front seat “do any of ya’ll see smoke coming from the taxi?” We assumed she meant from the back so we looked and quickly said “no we don’t see anything.” We soon pulled into a gas station excited that we were getting gas as Kath also shared that we were pretty much riding on empty. But, to our surprise that’s not what we came for. We immediately noticed smoke coming from the front of the car. Our taxi had overheated. So, our driver got out, lifted the lid, and began to pour water to cool it off. Of course, we thought maybe we should get another taxi. We didn’t have much time to spare as one of our ministry hosts was meeting us at the airport to drive us back home.
A few minutes later the car had cooled and the smoke had cleared and we were en route again to the airport. Long story short, there was somehow miscommunication as our ride wasn’t there. No, they were 30 minutes away waiting for us in another town. So, we all went into problem solving mode. It was late and we needed to get home. But how? We had missed the last public bus and had no idea how to get to Ciudad Santino (where our ride was waiting). So, after trying a few things, we just hopped in another taxi, paying way more than we needed to, but we were desperate. The whole way over, I played again and again how this could have happened. I mean we were almost stranded 2 hours away from home, late at night. Okay, we could have crashed at the airport, but still. Being the one who communicated with our ministry hosts the whole day I began to feel guilty and responsible for the whole mess. The fact that our driver and our new guests (he was in town picking up another gr0up serving with us this week) were waiting on us & my squad mates had to dish out more money on a taxi, did not make me feel too good or confident.
And Satan loved it. It took him no time to prey on my insecurities. The pressure I put on myself to keep it together and always be strong. My difficulty in being vulnerable and express fear or anxiety (even though it definitely comes out in other ways!). My discomfort and discouragement in stressful situations. I began to hear a voice saying over and over “this is your fault. Look at the mess you’ve caused. Your ministry contact & squad will think you’re incompetent. Oh yeah, and you are shameful. You didn’t even take the time to pray!” Yeah, it got ugly real fast.
But the most precious thing began to happen, God began to affirm me by telling me through my teammate Sarah that it’s not my fault (it’s as if she knew exactly what I thinking!). He let me know it was okay as we laughed about it all on our way to meet our contact. He let me know it was okay in the graciousness and patience of my squad mates as they reassured that the mix-up could have happened to anyone (I don’t speak much Spanish & our contact speaks very little English). Most importantly, He let me know it was all okay, because He was in control, despite how out of control I was & felt. Also, He let me know all is well through His creation.
We met our contact and guest in about 30 minutes and were finally on our way home! We departed around 9:45pm. As I sat at the edge of an open back truck, I was captivated by the night sky. It was so clear that I couldn’t help but notice the stars which were plentiful. I was in awe of their beauty and simplicity. I began to think of how much fun God had in creating them. Hanging them in the sky. And of course making patterns of them, which resulted in the best game of connect-the-dots for us. I was at such peace. Then He spoke:
“You know, I had so much fun creating you too. & in my suffering and pain, I found joy in thinking of You. I saw your face as I hung on the tree. You got me through it. After I rose, I couldn’t wait for you to arrive. I remember the moment you were conceived and how ecstatic I was when you were born & born again. I delight in you I enjoy you. I adore you.”
I then closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of the wind on my face. I took in the Nicaraguan air and the silent tears began to fall. I was so happy & my heart was so full of praise. I was yet again humbled that the One who created those stars & the wind also created me. & like them, He has a plan for me to unveil His mystery, beauty, and love. I was enjoying his presence in a way I hadn’t before I asked myself: how could I not trust you? And the most tender part of it all was the realization that God, whom I had more or less forgotten over the last hour or so, came to comfort me and fill my heart when I desperately needed it.
The coolest part is that as I look back on what He told me, He didn’t address the lies that I was battling the way I expected. While something inside of me still needed confirmation that this particular situation was all okay. God knew that I really needed confirmation that in fact, I was okay. He used this time to affirm my identity, the foundation of who I am NO MATTER WHAT and that there is nothing I can do or not do to change that. & friends, please take His words for me as truth for you. & yes, even you are okay. In fact, you are perfect and whole in Jesus!
The group after a wonderful dinner & celebration of Davis’ (in the center aka the only dude) 23rd Birthday!
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Adventures in Missions
PO Box 534470
Atlanta, GA 30353-4470
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