“We must grieve the painful losses of past seasons before we can effectively embrace the present and the future; if not we lose the capacity to dream big—the losses steal our future” -Ron Walborn
“Okay, now I want you all to find a quiet place by yourself and begin to grieve” said Ron after explaining the importance of embracing the spiritual discipline of grieving loss and disappointment.
It was the second day of Training Camp and I must admit I thought it would be a few more days before we addressed any of the “deep stuff.” I mean to grieve means to express sorrow, right?
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4
I found a corner in the hallway of the auditorium and tried to focus. It was humid, but surprisingly easy to get comfortable. I asked God to show me things in my life I lost and needed to mourn. As I made my list things ranged from Seattle to my grandmother’s death and all the way to my identity as a student. Well, surely all of these make sense, but it didn’t feel like this was the time to address any of it.
I began to rock back and forth as I pressed in more. “If it’s not any of that, then what?” There it was. My mother.
“Ugh, Lord. Seriously? What is there to mourn about my mom? She’s still alive. Plus, I’m tired of praying about my mom and our relationship. It’s been years and nothing has changed. She won’t change. What do you want me to do about it? I’m tired of caring and praying and being the bigger person!”
His still, soft voice responded: “I know you’re tired. You’ve been carrying a burden that was never meant for you to carry. Only I can give your mom abundant life and reconcile your relationship”
The temptation to give up began to overwhelm me. I’ve been here before. Besides, what does this have to do with loss?
I began to journal “Lord, I desperately want a relationship with my mother that is honest, loving, and enjoyable. I feel that as time moves on she is more distant than ever. I continue to believe that she could care less about me and it hurts to think that way about my mother. I feel like I’ve lost ‘home…’”
“When I say ‘home,’ I’m speaking of a place of warmth, protection, comfort, security, and identity-a place where we receive a sense of purpose and destiny and a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Home is the place we can run to when things go wrong, the place where we can receive affirmation and encouragement, not so much for what we have done but for whose son or daughter we are. Home is the place where we belong and cease striving and enter into rest” (Frost, 134).
“…actually that’s what I’m grieving. I’ve never felt like I had a home. And I blame my mother for that. I blame her for a lot of things actually including my inability to trust and receive love. She’s hurt me in so many ways.”
God responded in a way I didn’t expect. “Stop blaming your mom for the way things are between you and take responsibility.”
“For what?! I haven’t done anything except try to love her.”
Graciously, God began to show me the ways I sinned against Him and the role I played in my relationship with my mother, which at this point was nothing more than a short phone call every few months. I was reminded of all the times I yelled at my mother, manipulated her, and judged her. I couldn’t recall many times I had encouraged or affirmed her. In feeling sorry for myself I would try and make her feel guilty for how things were. I found myself angry at God for not changing her.
My first instinct was to defend myself by justifying why I responded in such unloving ways. But, I didn’t. Honestly, I was genuinely tired of being in this place with my mom. I did love her and I wanted her back. I wanted my mom and I wanted to be a daughter. I didn’t want anything else to get in the way of that. So, I confessed my sins.
“I decided to let go of the blame I held against my parents. I chose to let them off the hook and give them a gift they didn’t deserve—the gift of honor, understanding that they, like most parents, could not give to me what had never been given to them” (Frost, 34).
God then told me that now I needed to ask her for her forgiveness. “Okay,” I said. “Just tell me when and show me how.”
Soon after Training Camp, the Team Leaders decided to read Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship by Jack Frost. In one scene of this book the author is brought to the same conclusion. He needs to seek forgiveness from His parents. His reason? For misrepresenting the love of God to them. There it was! This is exactly what I needed forgiveness for. But I was afraid of rejection. I’ve tried to have these conversations with my mom before and it didn’t seem to go anywhere. In fact, they ended in arguments and further separation. I mean, “How many times have you come and risked opening your heart for a moment of tenderness, a moment of nurturing, or a moment of warmth, only to receive nothing in return?” (Frost, 34).
Well, I realized that in the past my actions were motivated by anger and selfishness, not so much by God’s love.
So, last week, I had a quiet moment with my mother and decided to share what God had been doing in me. It went something like this:
“Mom. I’ve been praying a lot about our relationship because I really want it to be better. We’ve been through so much together and it hurts to see us this way. We only argue and fight. We don’t trust each other. It shouldn’t be this way and it doesn’t have to be.”
“What do you mean? What do I need to change now?”
Ouch! “Nothing. I actually want to ask for your forgiveness. As you know, I gave my life to Jesus three years ago. Since then, I’ve tried countless ways to share with you the freedom I’ve found through Jesus. I want you to know the joy, peace, and hope I have. But, God has shown me that I haven’t been doing that. In fact, I’ve misrepresented His love to you.”
“Mom. Will you forgive me for the ways I’ve misrepresented God’s love towards you? Please forgive me for not honoring you as my mother. I know that you have been through a lot. Much more than I could probably handle. Yet, you never gave up and you always did your best. Forgive me for not honoring that and thanking you for all that you’ve done for me. Forgive me for blaming you for all of our hardships. I’m sorry for the times I’ve yelled at you and disrespected you in front of others. I’m sorry for the names I’ve called you and the times I’ve made you feel guilty when you’ve needed my help and support. Will you forgive me?”
Somewhere in the middle of me sharing, something changed in my mother’s eyes and I too felt something lift from me. She began to weep and I immediately followed. When I finished she embraced me tightly and said “Yes, I forgive you. I really needed to hear that and I’m sorry for all that I’ve done too. I never stopped loving you.”
Wait. What?! You never stopped loving me? Where did that come from?
I lost it. It was in that moment I realized that One of the biggest lies attached to this loss of “home” and relationship with my mom was that she didn’t love me. There have definitely been times over the course of my life where I concluded that my mom didn’t love me based on her decisions. Little did I know that I desperately needed to know that that was not true.
Of course, our circumstances haven’t changed and there are still consequences to decisions we’ve both made over the years, but I know that in time God will work those things out too. But, none of that seems important or significant now because in that moment everything changed for me and my mom. We just sat and talked. We laughed. We enjoyed each other. For the first time since I can remember I had a mom and she had a daughter. I told her how much God loved her and for the first time she listened. Our journey continues and I'm more hopeful than ever!
Who in your life do you need to seek forgiveness from?
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