This month has been good so far but very slow and somewhat uneventful. Even though it is month 8, I am just now beginning to realize that is how most of the race is. Yes it is to go out into the world, meet people from all different cultures and care for people who are in need. But I am learning that it is that AND/ BUT mostly it is sitting, waiting, sleeping, walking, traveling and listening. There is very little action. When I think over the last 7 months I can count only a small handful of days or just moments even that were extraordinary, aw inspiring, life changing experiences. Most days on the race are just typical, average and mundane. I’m not exactly sure what the reason for that is. I have asked myself several times if I’m doing something wrong. Some months we have a ministry that doesn’t seem like they have much of a need for us, other months the host is unorganized and not equipped to use us in a way that can make an impact, and other months the ministry itself just isn’t very well developed and there isn’t anything to do. That is the case this month. The hosts are a couple who started an English learning center in two cities, one of which is two hours away where they live and so they don’t travel here often. They weren’t here when we arrived and we have only met them once since for a very brief meeting to give us instruction on class schedule and how to interact with the locals. Our schedule is very light ( Friday and Saturday from 4-6 & 8-10) the rest of our time is spent walking around town and playing wifi roulette at the various cafés. It is easy to become complacent and even apathetic when everyday looks the same and nothing is as I hoped it would be when I imagined myself here a year ago. But my perspective is shifting because through all of this free time in the middle of nowhere with people who challenge, encourage and drive me crazy I have been able to figure some things out.
Since the end of month 6 in Zambia I have been going through a spiritual crisis of sorts. Go to Africa, it will make you question everything you thought you believed in. We were walking through villages just outside the city with translators who would introduce us to people in their homes and when they invited us in or to sit on a mat on their front “porch” the translators would pretty much just say go and we’d be expected to preach and then they might talk for awhile to the people without us understanding any of the response and then we would leave. After doing this several times I started feeling strange about it and not just what we were doing but what I was saying and why. I started questioning the reason for telling these people these things that they may or may not understand due to language barrier and that I may or may not believe due to ignorance of my own religion. I started to compare myself and my fellow Christians to people of other faiths. I realized what I had always believed but was reaffirmed after being put in the situation of teaching and preaching; If I am going to tell other people what they should believe, I better know what I believe and why.
This persisted and got more intense as the weeks went on. We finished in Zambia and moved on to Zimbabwe where we taught bible lessons in schools and led small group discussions with people from the church and the more I taught about my faith the more I questioned it. First I went through extreme doubt that God even existed at all and then I questioned how we knew that Jesus is the one true god and then I just stopped trying to figure it out. I just stopped searching for the divine and started investing in the humans around me. I found that was a lot more satisfying. I decided that I’d just figure it out later.
At some point along the way I remembered a recommendation my friend from another team had given me. We had talked our last few days in Zambia and she told me that she had been struggling with the same issues of doubt and unbelief. She was handling it a lot more head on than I was. She was reading and researching and allowing her frustration to turn into curiosity instead of anger. We didn’t have much time to talk about it but before we went our separate ways to Zimbabwe, she told me to download a podcast that might help me.
So fast forward 3 weeks-ish, I remembered that and started listening to it as often as I could and began to feel some hope again. The podcast features two men who talk about topics through the perspective of science, art and faith and they are GOOD at it. They are both Christ followers who fell away from the faith and walked through a period of time as Atheists; one being a Christian Worship Leader and the other a deacon in a baptist church. They came back to Jesus eventually but not the same as before. They talk about what it means to live in this world in a way that I’ve always hungered to hear. They make uncertainty feel like something to explore not fear.
So that brings me to now. I’m in Malaysia, still sitting around questioning my purpose here when there’s nothing to do. But I am slowly accepting that this time is a gift to explore what I believe. I’m just trying to figure out who I am and how I can relate to the people on this planet that I’m supposed to love without miscommunicating who God is. Because I am a small human and God is everything so how could I possibly ever fully understand who he is, never mind find words to explain him to others.
I haven’t posted a blog in awhile because ever since this started, I have been afraid that someone might discover my secret when it comes out in my writing and figure out that I’m not a real missionary at all. I’m just a girl trying to figure out how to achieve inner peace and bring it to the four corners of the earth.
I still have 3 1/2 months left to go until I return home and I still have $1,200 left to raise in order to complete this race. If you’d like to help me out by donating, despite reading what you just have, I will be sincerely grateful to you.
Thanks for reading. Peace, Love and Light to you all!
