The dictionary defines faith as complete trust or confidence in someone or something. When my team left El Shaddai and went to Manzini, I started to get my headaches again. For those who don’t know, in high school I suffered incredibly painful and constant migraines. I tried every medication on the market, including acupuncture. The last resort was to receive Botox treatments. Turns out that crap works, and it works well. I got treatments every 3 months with the hope that my body would outgrow the need for it and mature past the migraines. I knew coming on this trip that it was a possibility that I would need to get Botox to keep the migraines at bay, but it was a risk I was willing to take. After nearly 5 months everything went from completely ok to total mayhem. I had a headache everyday for 6 days straight and the medication I took to knock them out was not good for my kidneys with such a large intake. I went to the doctor and got on a steroid med-pack to try and break the cycle of headaches. Unfortunately that did not work and I was still getting headaches. I made the very difficult decision to leave my mission, my team, my family, so I could get the treatment back in the States. I remember talking to my Mom on a Thursday evening and my plane ticket was bought for the following Tuesday. That night my team was having feedback like we do every night. We were all laughing and joking around after we had finished discussing Ezekiel 37, and I told them I was going home for 9 days.You would have thought I told them I was dying, it was so quiet. After the initial shock, they were very supportive and prayed for me. They even sent me off with three letters, spacing them out so I had something to look forward too.
Everyone talks about culture shock when returning to the States. I don’t think I ever understood it and I really don’t know if I can tell you what it is even now. I was very much affected when I left the States for the first time, seeing the world as it is, a dirty, sick, deprived place. But returning, what shocked me was not having my team. I think for the first time I understood how beautiful and necessary community is. And not just friends that you can go do cool things with and have a good time with. I’m talking about Godly community, the powerful force that He set up for us where its not just about fun, but about relationships. Relationships are hard. They require time and energy. They require commitment, commitment to build up and not tear down. Its having those tough conversations because you love that person more than you fear the possibility of rejection. My community has been about diving deep in the word, asking questions and finding answers together. My community has been living life together, experiencing the hard, cruel reality of life. Hardships bring people together, and having people that you can go to, to cry, to laugh, to pour out the deepest places in your heart, thats what I have. Thats what I craved when I left. People kept asking me what the hardest thing about coming home was, and without a doubt, it was leaving my family and not having them with me. It was waking up to a quiet, desolate place. I didn’t have Raed to laugh with, or Nathan to talk football with, or Ang to be sarcastic with, or Anna and Lindsay to joke with. My best days at home were the ones where I got to talk to my teammates, even if only for a few minutes.
Being home really opened my eyes and heart for a better relationship with my parents. I had some of the most wonderful conversations I’ve had in my entire life with my Mom. After being on the field and gaining both experience and growth, it is really cool to dive deep with my parents. They are brilliant and spirit led, just how I want to be. I also learned a lot about faith and what that really means. Faith by definition is “being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” (HEB 11:1). Its using past experiences of what God has done to form confidence in what He will do, even when we don’t have the answers. Its not about having all the answers and everything figured out, but instead believing and loving the One who does. We are designed to live in a relationship with Jesus now, not tomorrow, but right now. When we make Him our focus, when we die to ourselves everyday, thats when we will see God come through for us. When I had received my Botox treatment my doctor ordered blood work to be drawn. Two days before I was scheduled to fly back to Africa my doctor called and told me the results were not very good. The calcium in my blood was extremely high and it raised concern. He recommended that I stay another week, then retest and make sure it was safe for me to return to my team. That night my mom sat me down and told me the news and explained her concerns. She very clearly stated that it was my decision and I was free to choose whatever outcome I wanted. I knew in my heart that I needed to stay. It was the right call, but that didn’t make it any easier to make. I felt angry and confused, but never concerned for myself. All I wanted to do was get back to my team. I craved for them and the ministry that I had come to love. It was a very confusing time. I questioned God a lot. I was still very angry that God was taking me out of the field, I felt like I was abandoning my team, and now I had to stay another week. I just didn’t understand why all of this was happening. I told myself that I better be dying or this was just a huge waste of time. Well the results came back, and everything was basically normal. The numbers were still a bit off, but it wasn’t enough of a concern to keep me from returning to the race. It was at this point I really started to grasp Faith and what it was. I didn’t have any answers as to why this happened, but I decided I just needed to believe God had a reason. I read a quote from Oswald Chambers that says, “Faith never knows where it is being led, but it knows and loves the One who is leading.” I realized I just needed to believe in my perfect Father, and trust that He truly does work all things for His glory.
Manistry has been incredible. Yup thats right, Manistry, or Man Ministry! All the guys headed back up to El Shaddai for the last two weeks of ministry in Africa. We have all gotten much deeper and more intentional with one another. We haven’t been this close since the man hike in July. We have been sharing a testimony every night, reading Judges, and we do hard construction work together. This has been such a cool time to bond and seek God together as men.
Debrief here in South Africa has been really incredible. It has been a really wonderful time of rest and reflection. Everyone has been able to reflect on Africa in a healthy way, and everyone is being poured into by racers, leaders, and coaches. Like last time we have had team changes. They even asked me to be a team leader for the last 3 months, and im super pumped for the experience I get to have.
