The holidays are typically my favorite time of the year. I love the crispness in the air and the seasons change. I love the first snowfall of the season, blanketing the Colorado ground in sparkling white. I love to get in bed on Christmas Eve, in giddy anticipation of the next morning (Yes, even as an “adult.”)
Most of all, I love the love in the air. My heart is so full of love.
But this year has been much different.
My entire life has changed in the past year. Giving thanks to what God has given me, has yielded to giving thanks to what God has taken away. Holiday traditions bring memories and pain in the realization that the one who meant the most to me, the one who I thought I’d share countless more memories with, is now gone. Someone else is creating memories with her. Someone else is strolling through the snow holding her tight. Someone else is sharing her love. And I’m here alone once again.
“All I want is for you to be happy; regardless of if it’s with me or not,” is a nice sentiment to have. It’s a sentiment I shared with her all the time. But, it’s easy to feel that way when you’re holding that person in your arms, and they are yours. It’s harder to realize that love when the other person truly is happy, just not with you. It’s harder to realize that love when the gaping hole inside your chest seems to be getting larger by the day, not smaller. Even though it has been 8 months, my heart still hurts. My soul still aches. And this holiday time only amplifies these feelings. The smiles and love all around is a cruel reminder of what I used to have.
Today, I went to my favorite spot to pray – a place nestled at the foot of the Rocky Mountains called the “Mother of Cabrini Shrine.” A long, somewhat breath-taking staircase climb, leads to a giant statue of a loving Jesus, hands open wide, and an equally breath-taking view over Denver, and all of Colorado for that matter. I love it because the path is narrow; the path is difficult; but the reward is immaculate. And peering out over Colorado, seeing Denver as a minor blip in the landscape, shows God’s supremacy. The journey is worth the reward. Today, however, I yelled at God through my tears as I ascended to the peak. I asked Him. I questioned Him.
How can I continue to love her so much, Lord? Why can’t you make this easier? Why WON’T you make this easier? Why does it continue to feel like a shotgun blast to my heart every morning I wake up, and realize that my nightmare has come true?
But, I trusted Him. I told Him I wasn’t giving up. This pain would not, and will not defeat me. I will not abandon Him, no matter what. And He gave me overwhelming peace.
During training camp, one of the mantra’s that arose from the “Man Hike” was, “One more step.” No matter how hard things may seem, we must always push for one more step. God reminded me of this today. He helped me understand that the path is narrow, and hard enough as it is, and looking behind me only makes that path tougher. It’s like trying to run a marathon backwards, or race the Indy 500, looking only in the rear-view mirror. The enemy’s only weapon is the past. The present and the future are God’s. So I take one more step. I will always take one more step.
Today I stand up, I stand tall. I am no longer looking behind. I am looking at the joy and the hope in front of me. The enemy can only prey on my past, on what I’ve lost. But he cannot have the future. The future and the present are from God, are of God. And God is love. For it is not by anything that I have done, or not done, that God gives me His grace. It is out of love alone. And today, I receive that love. Today, I choose to love the one who never fails, who never gives up, who will never desert me. Today I choose the undying love of Jesus Christ. Today I choose LIFE.
“It has always seemed to me that broken things, just like broken people, get used more; it’s probably because God has more pieces to work with.” -Bob Goff
