Before I left for the race a lot of my friends and family said to me over and over, “You are going to be so skinny when you get back!” They couldn’t imagine how living off 3 dollars a day could possibly feed me enough. The World Race staff and former racers told us differently. They said, “Guys will lose weight and girls will gain weight, because you will be consuming mostly carbs.” After all, living off 3 dollars a day can only happen with meals consisting of rice, bread, potatoes and corn, which has been our consistent diet the last 7 months. They told us we needed to be intentional about staying healthy mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually…to essentially work out our hearts, minds and bodies.
Neither my family and friends or the World Race experts prepared me for the bulk of weight I would drop…
Coming on the race I kept telling God one thing. “Please don’t let me go home the same person I left as.” I didn’t know what that process would look like but I knew I had tried many times in my life to change the me I had become, each time unsuccessful. But I knew if anyone could change me, it was God.
Well, I can assuredly say He has, and He has just started. If I had come home just two weeks ago I would have been a different Whitney, yes, but not too much had changed. I’d drawn closer to The Lord, I’d seen His goodness and His love like never before, but there were still parts of me I didn’t like that seemed would be with me forever.
What I didn’t know is that I was still holding on to old hurts, wounds and shame of sin; God couldn’t do all He wanted to do without me giving those things to Him.
God tells us in Isaiah 61:3 that He wants to “bestow on (us) a crown of beauty instead of ashes.” Our Thailand ministry host this month, Janene, reminded us that we must exchange our ashes for beauty. We can’t hold on to our ashes and expect God to give us beauty; we must give them to God for His beauty. God really spoke to me through that. He said, “Whitney, it is time to give me your ashes.” Not to just acknowledge them, as I have many times before, but to really give them to Him.
I knew what “ashes” He was referring to.
Just a couple of weeks ago I read a book called “Redeeming Love” by Francine Rivers. It’s a fictional book based off the story of Hosea in the Bible. In both the book and Bible, God called a man to love a woman – a woman who often ran from that man’s love and commitment to instead pursue a life in brothels and prostitution. Every time these women ran from their loyal husbands God called these men to take their wives back, to forgive them, to pursue them and to love their wives like Jesus loved them: unconditionally.
When I read this book I cried and cried. Partly because I was grieving my own sexual sin and how each time I ran to a guy, I was running from God; it hurt me so much to so clearly see and feel this, in hindsight. But mostly I was crying because I saw that each time I ran from God, He never really let me go. He kept pursuing me, fighting for my heart, loving me unconditionally and always taking me back with open arms; He was drying my tears from each mistake and nursing me back to life.
The reason I couldn’t give Him my ashes is because I hadn’t forgiven myself. I was still holding on to the shame of my sin. I was still holding on to the heartache and the pain. I was still holding on to anger towards myself for not having standards for myself. I was still holding on to anger towards each guy who lied to me and used me. I was still blaming my dad for abandoning me at 13 and walking in and out of my life whenever he wanted; I allowed each guy after him to do the same thing. I was blaming my dad for my loss of purity and innocence by running to other guys for my worth, since he hadn’t been there to tell me I was loved, beautiful, worth waiting for the right one. I was holding on to a lot of baggage that was weighing down my heart, mind and body for too many years.
Wow. How have I been living my days with all of this? How have I been getting through? As I was sharing this with my teammates, my teammate and wonderful friend Casey prayed over me and said what God had revealed to her: like David’s armor given to him by Saul – that was unfit for his battle with Goliath so he instead took it off and went without – God was calling me to take off the unfit armor I put on myself to protect me from my sin, wounds and painful past.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1
It was so true. I was hiding all the things in my past. I was hiding my anger, shame, unforgiveness and sin because I thought it was too ugly to share and to give to God. But really, I was hurting myself. It was keeping me at a standstill. I couldn’t move closer towards God and the Whitney He created me to be… Pure, Holy, Blameless and Forgiven through Jesus Christ, until I gave Him my ashes, fully, for His Beauty.
So I sat with Him and I gathered all my ashes, those mentioned above and more, and I asked Him what I needed to do with them. He told me I needed to grieve them. I needed to grieve my sin that brought me shame. I needed to grieve the fact that my dad left me and that resulted in me feeling alone, angry, unimportant, unloved and unworthy. I needed to grieve all the ways I’ve run to guys instead of Him and all the ways guys have let me down, hurt me, used me and abused me. I needed to grieve my mistakes and my past.
“You intended to harm me but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:20
“I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in Him.” Psalm 40:1-3
And through every step of grieving, and there was a lot, I saw that Jesus was always there, grieving for me. He was grieving my hurt before I even realized I was hurting. He was grieving when I was getting used and abused for others’ pleasure. He was grieving when I ran to sin instead of running to His loving arms. He was grieving for me and with me. He was fighting for my heart when I was running from His.
I know I still have grieving to do. There will be days when a memory pops up, but I know I can grieve it right then and there with Jesus. I will give it to Him. I will thank Him for His protection over me in that moment. I will thank Him for His perfect, unending, unconditional love for me, despite my sin. And I can forgive myself because He has already forgiven me.
“One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13-14
“The old has gone, the new is here!” 2 Corinthians 5:17
“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing: now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?” Isaiah 43: 18-19
Through all the pain of my past, through all my ashes, I have seen the beauty of Christ. The weight that has lifted from my heart and mind is more than could ever be dropped from my physical body. I have a new lightness in my spirit and a new lightness in my step. I am not the same person I left as. And there are still four months left of this journey, but more importantly a lifetime journey with Jesus ahead.
“Being confident in this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6
