The night after graduation I was sitting in bed, full of emotions… excitement and relief from completing my degree, loved from all the friends and family in attendance and anxious of all that was to come in just six days, Training Camp, that would prepare me for my 11 months around the world! Woah. As I wrote in my journal, effortlessly, my thoughts and emotions penning to paper at an accelerated rate, in which I couldn’t process what I was feeling and thinking as the words were already on paper… I knew this would be my new blog post, vulnerable, real, unintentional… Whitney.
I have always loved writing and have started many different blogs over the years… which all came to a close only weeks or months from their start. When I was accepted to the World Race and knew I would be required/encouraged to write many blog posts along the way I was so excited, now I will finally have the blog I have always imagined! But each week I found myself having nothing to say… which if you know me for a brief minute you will know that is untrue… I always have something to say! I am a natural dreamer, thinker, wonderer… always inquisitive, a people watcher… I love hearing people’s life stories, I love love stories… I love memoirs and biographies… I am a natural born story teller. But, when it comes to writing, I feel that if I don’t have something compelling, thought provoking or original, I have nothing.
Until Sunday night, when I felt God was telling me to just share my thoughts, the real Whitney, what is going on in my day, what is going on in my heart, what God is doing in life… the things I LOVE to share with friends and family and really anyone who will listen. So starting now, that is what I am going to do. I am going to stop trying to be a perfect writer and I will just write… exactly as if we were sitting in a room together and I was bright eyed and bubbly, updating you on my latest new craze, adventure, hobby or interest… just am I always am. So here it goes.
Sunday night, May 11, 2014. 10:26 p.m.
Sitting here tonight, the night after graduation, so many emotions fill my heart. Relief. I’m done with school! Shock. Am I really? Loved. So many people took time out of their day/lives to make me feel special! Nervous, anxious, excited for what the future holds. Training Camp is in 6 days (now only 1 day!) Ah! I am so ready for God to take His rightful place in my heart. To move in as #1 for good. I’ve kept Him in a corner of my heart, maybe a 1/2, 1/3, 3/4… I’m not sure how much really, all I know is it is not all. Why? Because I don’t really trust Him, or anyone with my whole heart! Why not? Because I don’t feel worthy. My weaknesses seems to always determine my worth. How far am I failing? How am I not measuring up? What do I need to change? How am I doing to change this? And by “this”… “this” what? My body. My sins. Specifically. While I’m caught up in the act or pursuit of changing these things, I am working by myself, by my own strength, allowing God in at times… in worship on Sunday, during my morning devotions, during prayer… all of these times I feel better. I’m giving these things to Him, I’m meeting with Him, talking to Him. But other times when I’m trying, striving, dieting, people pleasing, working out, dressing up, saying the “right” things, doing the “right” things- depending on who is around – then it is just me against me. Do better. Be better. Does he think I’m good enough? What about her? Am I pretty enough? Fit enough? Fashionable enough? Christian enough? Smart enough? Worldly enough? Adventurous enough? Funny enough? Sweet enough? Strong enough? Athletic enough? Good enough? Talented enough?
ENOUGH!!!!
I sit here on my bed tonight and realize it is over. The doing, being, looking, caring, acting, trying. How will those things benefit me anymore? How will proving anything about ME help me tell people about Jesus? What a WEAK gospel as Louie Giglio says. An insecure gospel. I’ve had it all backwards! Instead of trying to prove that I’m enough, I NEED to BELIEVE, SHOW, LIVE that HE IS ENOUGH. JESUS. GOD. I am not strong, HE is. I am not good enough, HE is. And thank God for that! Because I am FREE from all those things. And it is for FREEDOM we have been SET FREE. “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” (Galatians 5:1) Why chain myself up again with “enoughs” and give everyone else the key? I am free, we are free, because He is enough! His life. His love. His mercy. His grace. His death. His resurrection. That is enough. To move past all my mistakes, failures, insecurities, inadequacies, flaws, fears, AND ON AND ON! HE IS ENOUGH. For every second, minute, day, situation, crisis, moment, every success, every failure, every worry, hope, dream, the past, present, future. He is enough. Can I just breathe that in right now? Straight to my heart. Because if I don’t, I will miss the very best opportunity I have ever been given… to tell the world about the hope, love, peace, patience, grace, forgiveness that is Jesus. And no matter where you are, where you have been, or where you are going, you can be free to just be loved by the one who died to set you free.
As Paul said, “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:12-13)
If I go into training camp trying to impress my new (F)amily (F squad) with who I am, what I can do, how Christian I am, how sweet I am, etc… then I will miss all the blessings of sharing how Christ has been MORE than ENOUGH for me. How we has protected me from the sins of others and of my own, How He has always provided ABUNDANTLY. How He has never forsaken me. How He has never given up on me, how He has never though I was TOO much or NOT enough. How He has directed my steps EVEN while living in sin, how He is good, NEVER failing, but loving, patient, kind when I chased desires of the world and NOT of Him. How He soothes me from the pain of my sin, how He hears my cries, my deepest fears, worries, dreams, desires. How HE LOVES ME. How He is sovereign in all things. How He is good. How He is enough.
If I don’t drop my “enoughs” and instead start living in the absolute truth, the pure and eternal gospel, that He is INDEED ENOUGH and start truly believing and praying it over my life, my trip, my words, my actions. And every morning when I wake up I can say I am not, but because He is… I am! If I don’t do this, I will only live and preach a weak, broken, fragile gospel that does NOT portray the POWER of the Cross.
It is time to start living 100% of what I know to be TRUE, REAL. He is enough. For my broken heart. For my insecurities. For all my sin and shame. For all my striving, hoping, dreaming. For all my fears, worries and doubt. For all my mistakes, failures, success, love and life.
It’s not about me anymore. It is about Him. That is the gospel. Plain and simple. He is enough. For me. For you. For the World. And we can all be free if we accept this truly amazing gospel in our lives. Whenever I find myself start to ask others, “Am I enough?” I have to stop and remember… Because He is God. Because He is ALL He says He is… Because He is enough, I am free from the chains of enough. And that is enough for me!
Please pray for me and my squad as we go to Training Camp tomorrow for a week! Pray that God will show up BIG time in our lives and reveal so much to us! Pray that we will come back and be so prepared and ready to leave, to share the gospel with the World… the hurt, broken, poor, sex slaved, orphaned, poverty stricken, old, babies… ALL that we encounter in all the countries. That we will BE Isaiah 61:
1The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,a
2to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.
4They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.
5Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
6And you will be called priests of the Lord,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.
7Instead of your shame
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.
8“For I, the Lord, love justice;
I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
and make an everlasting covenant with them.
9Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the Lord has blessed.”
10I delight greatly in the Lord;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
11For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness
and praise spring up before all nations.
I love y’all and am so thankful for your love, prayers and support! All my love!
XOXO
Whitney
