Happy Fourth of July! (I’m currently in Greece and the coffee shop I’m sitting in is probably older than the USA, so 234 years isn’t that big of a deal.)
We just finished up our days of Debrief in the city of Brasov, Romania. These days of rest for the squad are by far the busiest for me, but I absolutely love it. (It’s partially because of the task-oriented side of me.) Point is, after one of the team debrief sessions I realized that I had no idea what was going on with me. I put pen to paper and this is what came out. Later that night we Squad Leaders were able to be debriefed by our coaches. It was much needed and much appreciated. During that time I presented the following in one of those one-breath readings. Afterwards Ms. Patti commented about making it a blog. Here you go.
June 29th, 2010
“I don’t even know That’s the answer to the question, “Me?” I have such a sense of, “Everything will be fine. God will use this for good,” but I’m still questioning. Still desiring more faith. Oh, I suppose it has increased. Undoubtedly, actually. No doubt. I have no doubt that my faith has increased. I will stand firm on that.
So much I don’t know or understand. And I’m increasingly ok with that, but small mental games creep in. Call it the devil, but is it? In reality, it all makes more sense the more I realize I don’t know.
- It’s exciting to know that my relationship with God can’t peak. It can’t.
- Tongues is still jacking me up.
- I’m learning to love. I am legitimately loving.
- Sometimes I feel like I am doing things because I know it’s the right thing to do.
- I would not say that I feel the Spirit.
- I still wonder how much is God and how much is psychology. Effects of community, self-fulfilling prophecies, etc.
- I believe I do have a different, sometimes higher perspective.
- Finding better balance of humility and confidence.
- The husband I would have been doesn’t compare to who I will be.
- I struggle with emotions being confused with the Spirit.
- God is a great adventure.
- I still care too much. I can cheer and yell for the temporal, but what about God?
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I greatly desire companionship and someone to do life with.
- I struggle when people “get” the Spirit apparently more than me, but they miss out on serving, servant hood, sacrifice, and surrender.
- Many many parallels between the World Race and Team For America. Difficult to differentiate what is God and what is of man.
- I don’t want people to be like me.
- I enjoy writing, but I don’t know the outlet.
- I struggle with a mindset that mood, lighting, and volume effects the presence of the Holy Spirit.
- I think I’m more opinionated than ever.
- I’m self-conscious about few things. One is my height in some settings, yet I also love being short. Odd huh?
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PS: Jamie's cuz. It was nice to hear that you consistently read. I'd never know based on your comment history, though. You know she's in Germany when Germany is one of the final four teams for the World Cup? I'm jealous. You?
