Struggling and Dependency on the Spirit

 

But the other day I hit a proverbial wall and literally felt like I could not pour out one more drop of grace, hope, and love. It was probably one of the most confusing and hard moments I have ever experienced in my nine years of walking with the Lord. In Guatemala we did not have much time to rest at all and here the need is constant. We don’t go to some place, minister, and then come back home to debrief and rest. There are children, teens, and adults on campus literally from sun up to about 10pm at night. There is always something going on, someone to play with, someone to talk with Jesus about, etc. And I am crazy about these kids and the ministry we are working with. But two days ago when these same children would come up to me, the only thing I could even think was, “I would give anything if these kids would just leave me alone.”

 

That was a really painful place for me. I love to care for people and share Christ love with them, but I had been doing so much of that over the past month and a half, that I was literally drained. I spoke to my amazing team about it and took the next day to just seek the Lord. We have a rule within the team about living in the light and voicing our struggles so we can in Biblical ways support and care for each other (Heb 10:23-24, 1 John 1:7-8, James 5:16)

 

 

So my morning started out with spending some time in prayer and then moving into a Chronological study I have been doing through the Gospels. The section that I “just happen” to land in was Matthew 11. What the Lord really drew me to was verse 28

 

 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.(Matt 11:28)

 Way cool!! So I spend a good bit of time after that asking the Lord just to give me rest in Him (I actually think I might have fallen asleep at some point during this lol).

 

After I felt the Spirit directing me to Psalm 23. 

He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. 

 

From there my prayers began to shift that God would restore my soul, my joy in Him, and  ability to love the people that He has placed before me without being exhausted. It was honestly a very renewing time with the Lord.

 The journey was not done yet though. After that the Lord directed me to Philippians. Spent a good bit of time here looking at how to hold to joy in the midst of uncertainty, hurt, exhaustion, and life’s worst. It was awesome to see source Paul’s strength and joy in the midst of pain was to hold on to heaven and the eventual day that those of us who are in Christ will be with the Lord forever. So much of his joy stemmed from holding that in the forefront of his mind. Also had a chance to listen to a sermon by Mark Driscoll on the subject which I highly recommend to you. Rebels Guide to Joy in Exhaustion

 

At the end of all of this I felt very renewed and rejuvenated. Yet as I look forward towards the rest of the time here in Nicaragua and the 9 more countries that we are going to be doing ministry in, the thought popped into my head, “I don’t know how I am going to do this.” And the Lord made it very clear right then and there that it is by His power and His Spirit that I will be able to love past my own ability to love.

 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more

So much of my prayers lately have been, “Lord, please show me how to love like you have loved me” (lyrics from Hillsongs Hosanna) and the answer to that prayer is simple by depending on the Spirit of God to do what we can’t do in and of ourselves. There is no way I can care for all the people that the Lord brings in my path now and as the race continues. Yet if we walk in the power of the Spirit, we will be stretched and be able to do what is far beyond that because we are walking in His power and not our own and when we do that, we can truly love with the love of the Kingdom!

for God