My Heart in Pieces.
I’ve had a wall up around my heart most of my life. This wall kept my heart safe as I moved from place to place (Army brat over here). It protected my heart from being torn into pieces each time I said goodbye to a friend or to family. Saying goodbye hurt. What hurt more was when the phone calls would become less frequent and eventually be non-existent. “Why don’t they call anymore? Were we really friends? Do they care about me now that I live far away and I can’t spend time with them or do things for them?”
…. So what do we do when something hurts?… We remove ourselves from the pain.
The construction on the wall began. I found that if I got to know someone only on a superficial level, saying goodbye didn’t hurt as much. I used this self-preservation tactic in many ways. “No, no, let’s not talk about me…tell me about YOU!!” People really do love to talk about themselves and I’ve gotten away with this for far too long now. By not exposing my vulnerability, my heart, my deep intimate thoughts, I became a friendly robot. My goal: love…but keep in mind that one day, the relationship will end. This is like trying to give someone a warm embrace with keeping your elbows locked straight in front of you. You can’t actually pull them close. It is impossible. I became so good at hiding behind this wall that I didn’t recognize that it was even there or that it effected my ability to love like Jesus loves…fully, unchanging, unending.
I found out that when you don’t expose your true self, your vulnerability, your heart, your deep intimate thoughts, you can’t truly love another. When you don’t share who you really are, when they say, “I love you”- you know they don’t know really even know you…you mentally reject that love. “You wouldn’t love me if you knew the real me.” “You say you love me now, but we all know when this relationship becomes inconvenient, you will give up.” When you begin a relationship with the mindset that it will end, you don’t invest yourself to that person. Instead, you have a wall between you both. It is hard to talk to someone, hug someone, fight for someone when there is a physical wall in between you both.
God showed me His great love for everyone to call me into my true self. To become the Vivian He created me to be. To recognize I had a wall built around my heart which never truly let people in, never trusting that they would love me and pursue me even if it was inconvenient. If I wasn’t fully loving those around me claiming to be my friend and to love me; how could I love the unloved, the lost, the broken, the sick, the lame… His children who He loves so deeply?
God has called the demolition team to DESTROY the wall around my heart. I only get 1 month in each country to get to know people and (here is the hard part for me–à) let them know me. I have to dive right into my uncomfortable. I have to TRUST and LOVE and SHARE myself from the beginning to make the most of our very limited time together. I have left pieces of myself, pieces of my heart in each of the 6 countries I have been to and I am fully prepared to keep tearing pieces off for the remaining 5.
Today I said goodbye to my Thailand family.
Heidi and John own a farm. My team and I planted 11,000 pineapples. We worked alongside girls rescued from sex trafficking, kids without parents, other foreign travelers seeking to “be the change!” Heidi and John went out of their way to love on us who were there to love on them. Heidi wanted to know about us, she asked questions about us, she encouraged us, she spent time with us, she laughed with us, she picked on us, she bought new foods for us to try, she took us to places she knew we would enjoy…. she loved us so genuinely…. she gets a big chunk of my heart.
Ba Futema-
The old Thai woman that lived at the church that so graciously welcomed 7 foreign girls in to have a place to rest for the month. Ba was either making me laugh or testing my patience with her constant talking and high pitched sound effects. Even though I don’t speak Thai, that wouldn’t slow her down one bit. She talked when I was playing guitar, when I was on the phone, when I was trying to work out. Ba loved us girls and it was evident. She brought me two small cakes and some soy milk one night at 11 pm and felt my forehead. She told me I didn’t feel good earlier so I needed to eat. She then locked my door and shut it behind her. I felt fine that day…but I also love cake, soooooo….. J Today she cried, “V!! (Vivian is a really hard name to pronounce In Asia!) Futema loves V!” Tears running down her face she just held onto me and said, “You my baby girl…you all my baby girls. You no forget Ba.” ….no Ba, I will never forget you. Ba Futema has experienced great loss in her life. Her husband left her, her child went to Bangkok and never returned or calls. Ba said, “baby girl no love Futema…” Leaving her was no easy feat today. I tried to hold back my tears as my teammates watched Ba hold onto me crying. My body eventually pulled away but pieces of my heart are still in her hands.
“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.” 1 John 4:7
Thank you God for breaking down my heart walls. For being constant and never changing, the secure rock that I stand on. You give me the faith, the endurance, and the inspiration to love over and over again.
Thank you to all my readers. All my supporters. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for God putting a dream in my heart and you all standing around me in agreement, sending me into the great big world. Thank you <3
