hey you crazy kids it’s been awhile. I’m only posting TWO, including this one, more blogs on this site and then I will be moving to a new URL: victoriasjeans.wordpress.com
the body I see in the mirror: butt is too big from the front. thighs are too thick. the scars on my bottom from heat rash aren’t beautiful or wanted and were very painful. the purple stretch marks on my thighs are ugly. my stomach isn’t as flat or muscular as it was before. Before the Race. Before training camp. Before training camp, I was 135lbs with a body I had no issues with. I loved my body. At training camp, I gained 10lbs. Don’t ask me how, but I did. I thought nothing of it, I was going to lose the few pounds easily. After I started the Race, I realized my body was not going to look the same. Because of the food we were eating. Even with regular exercise, it was impossible to keep the pounds off for me. When I got home, I was 155. That’s not a lot to some people. That’s barely anything to be concerned about for some people. But that’s A LOT to me, a person who has fluctuated from 125 to 135 since 6th or 7th grade. That’s 20 pounds in my thighs and butt that’s caused my shorts to feel too tight. That’s 20 pounds that’s caused my jeans to barely fit and stretch in protest to the body I am putting in them.
I try to see myself as beautiful, as one of God’s wonderful creations and that He’s made my body like this to keep me healthy and beautiful to Him. That’s all that should matter, right? But it’s not for me. It matters to me how I look. How I look in certain clothes, in my swimsuit, whatever it may be. I hate the way that I’ve been looking at myself. But here we are.
Every day I tell myself that I’m beautiful, but by the time I get home, I’ve already told myself at least once that I should change something about myself. I should start working out, I should start eating better, whatever else I tell myself. It’s ridiculous. And somehow, God’s Truth being back in the states is the HARDEST thing to listen for. It’s the quietest decibel, the smallest whisper that you try to grasp but always end up asking what they said over and over again.
I am struggling so much right now. Even with encouragement and people telling me truth, I cant take the wool from my eyes. It seems to be as thick as a forest and as wide as the ocean.
sorry for the negativity, but I felt like I needed to tell y’all where I am right now
Much Love,
Victoria Jean
