I feel like I have backtracked my growth on the race this month, especially from last month.
What was I thinking? I don’t have trust in God?
I don’t belong on this squad. and if I left, no one would notice.
There are 26 other voices on this squad, mine doesn’t matter.
You don’t have any gifts, so we’ll just place you in the garden.
I’m not good enough.
I need to be at home with my family, I need to be encouraging them and cheering them on. I am only needed there.
These are just a few of the lies that I have been fighting throughout the race, but especially since I step foot in Africa. I’ve always been told that Africa is a land of spiritual warfare attacks, but I didn’t believe it was this bad. I didn’t believe it until I was battling it myself. The enemy knows that God is moving mountains in Africa and he wants it stopped.
Wondering what spiritual warfare is?
spiritual warfare: a battle within oneself, but also a battle going on in your surroundings that can’t be seen. You can feel the presence of it, but can’t physically see it. A battle between God and Satan, a battle between right and wrong, a battle between truth and lies.
El Shaddai Ministries in Swaziland is a spiritual warfare battleground. I am fighting a battle right now, and I’m learning that the only armor I need is the armor of God.
Background of El Shaddai:
El Shaddai is an orphanage to over 60 kids, ranging from 2 years old to 19 years old. It’s located on the top of a mountain, with the most beautiful view. It homeschools children, but also has a primary school, and some children from the local houses on the mountain go to it.
EXCITING NOTE: we have our second World Race Exposure squad mate, Benele, and he also grew up at El Shaddai! He will be with is all through Africa, so this month in Swaziland, Lesotho, and South Africa.
Because it is squad month, and there are so many children at El Shaddai, we were each paired with either 1 or 2 buddies. It doesn’t keep us from being able to build friendships with the others, but keeps each of the children a part of ministry! During the week after school we have tutoring and chapel, and during the weekend during our free time we can also hang out with them then!
My buddy Phumla just turned 18 last Monday! She’s a beautiful girl who has so much love, joy, and truth – God knew exactly what He was doing when He placed us two together. in just a short week, she has been able to pour love and encouragement into me, while I’ve been able to do the same!
Because of all the lies, and the spiritual warfare attacks, it’s been hard not to feel numb. Feeling numb towards the beauty that God just set in front of me, towards the kids (yes, I can love them in the moment, but after?), towards the jobs I’ve been given, and even towards my relationship with God – whether I’m reading my Bible, praying, or trying to listen – I’m filled with lies, distractions, and numbness.
A night of worship on a rock that’s big enough for my 26 squadmates and myself on top of a mountain with a view that I should be in awe about – turned into crying, a crying because I missed people and couldn’t find the words to pray for them. I couldn’t find words to say to my own Father who loves the people I miss more than I ever could.
I have been constantly reminded, especially in that moment, that even when I don’t have the words – God knows. Even when I have a numbness, God loves me anyways and will do whatever it takes to remove it. Even when I care about people so much that it hurts me when I see or know that they’re hurting – God knows and He cares about them so much more than I ever could.
Last month in China, God showed me that I could trust Him and have faith in Him. That I could surrender all my plans and desires to Him, and He can do what He wants with them. It’s still an everyday process of learning, especially that His timing is perfect.
This month, I am now learning to surrender people. Surrendering my family in America, my family in Cambodia, and everyone else I have kept so close to me. Keeping them close to me isn’t helping anyone, God’s the only one that can keep them safe, tell them the truth, and love them more than I ever could.
A squad mate spoke truth that I didn’t want to hear that night of worship – she said to surrender the people I love and care about to Him. That keeping them too close to me, could be me being in the way of God and His plan. God loves them more than I ever could, so why step in the way? While I’m gone, this could be their time to draw even closer to God because I’m not there to talk to or listen. While I’m gone, God’s constantly there and He never will forsake them.
Each day I am learning and asking God to teach me to surrender the people I love, show me how to fight this spiritual warfare battle, show me that I am needed on this squad and El Shaddai, show me that You’re all I need.
