This month I had little no wifi which means there were times when all I wanted to do was talk to my mum and dad and couldn’t. It was on a cold and starry night in Swaziland that the ‘mum and dad’ letters started. This is my last one written the night before we left Project Canaan.
Mom and dad,
I’m tired of leaving. I’m tired of getting attached. I’m tired of loving those whom I may never see again in this earth.
Why do goodbyes have to hurt so much? Why does it hurt to care?
I just had to say my final goodbyes to the kiddos at Project Canaan. It was so much harder than I thought.
I grew so freakin attached to them. They became my favorite part of the day. It didn’t matter what we were doing. We could be doing chores or chasing grasshoppers across the playground. It was with these kids that I feel truly free to be who I am.
They loved me for who I am and I loved them for who they are.
My heart has special spot for three boys and one girl. Caleb, Joshua and David. I always could count on those three to cheer me up some how.
Then there is Grace. She is a child with special needs but I didn’t realize how much it means to know someone’s name till I met her. Every time she says my name I feel special and loved.
There is so much more I can say about these kids. The memories and laughs shared will be something I will never forget.
I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to get on another plane and go somewhere new once again. I don’t want to have learn yet another language (thankfully it’s Spanish for the next 4 months), new culture, new names and new living situations to name just a few.
But then I remind myself of something.
This isn’t about me.
This is about so much more.
It’s about the love of Christ being spread. Those late night conversations that grow the kingdom and body of Christ. The relationships that will grow and continue in eternity someday. The encouragement and upliftment that we can bring to the hosts and ministries around the world. Team bonding and laughing till we cry. Holding each other up when you get that phone call you never wanted. Spending time with kids and adults who are overlooked by society. Seeing the unseen.
It isn’t about me.
After reminding myself of those things, I would go through this heartache over and over again.
Because my Heavenly Father has done so much more for me.
Yes, I may have tears in my eyes right now and all I may want to do is cancel my flight to South America…but God has more in store.
I want more of Him and I will follow Him wherever He leads me. Which means to South America I go.
Swaziland and Project Canaan…I will miss you dearly.
