It’s 12:40am on Monday night. I can’t sleep so I decided to turn on some worship music and write my thoughts out. Warning: This post won’t be all rosy and nice but rather honest and real.
I leave for training camp tomorrow night. TOMORROW NIGHT?! I will be there officially on Wednesday afternoon and I cannot believe that it is so close.
This past weekend has been a whirlwind of emotions/feelings and social events. I have a hard time dealing with feelings and emotions. Most of the time I try to ignore them and push right through. The Lord has been pushing back at me this weekend and making me truly feel the hard emotions.
Watching my host family drive away for their family vacation and turning back to an empty house triggered something in me. At first I tried to ignore it but then all of a sudden I started bawling my eyes out. If you know me at all, you know that I am NOT a cryer. I absolutely hate it and have not come to terms with it yet.
I was able to calm myself down after awhile but this ache in my heart would not go away all weekend. I woke up with a panic attack this morning and just felt like crying all day.
I thought that this time would be filled with nervous energy and excitement! However, I am freaking out inside and wanting to cry all the time.
Watching my host family drive away triggered the realization that major change is coming. There is so much unknown that lays before me. I have come to LOVE Pittsburgh and more importantly my community here. The thought of leaving the people here breaks my heart.
I want to be excited for training camp but it seems to be covered up by this feeling of dread.
I am asking for your prayers. I need to rely on the Lord during this time. I talked with my brother today who understands where I am at (He is currently deployed). He said “Leaving does suck. There is no way of getting around that. Pittsburgh is not going anywhere. Be present where you are and just think of the adventure you are about to embark on.” Sometimes all you need is a talk from your brother 🙂
I am having a packing party tonight to get all ready for the adventure that they call training camp. I will be leaving Tuesday night to travel to West Virginia and then traveling down with one of my squad mates on Wednesday.
I am praying that the Lord will lift this burden off of my heart so that I can truly soak up all that I can.
Who knew that I would come to Pittsburgh crying not wanting to come and leaving not wanting to go….
