My Dearest False Self,
After so many years of you controlling my life, I hate to say it, but it’s over.
Actually, I take that back. I don’t hate to say it. Sorry, not sorry.
I recall the early days when I first created You. It seemed so harmless at first—simply using You on occasion when I wanted to impress others or to fit in when I thought I wouldn’t. Little did I know those early middle school years would usher in Your complete takeover. Recently, I found myself asking, “Who am I, really?”
I know I let this go on for far, far, too long.
You did such “wonderful things” for me. You allowed me to look like I’ve had success pouring out of my ears, like “everything I touch turned to gold”, as I have been told. I’m not trying to belittle the areas God has given me favor, but because of You, I have avoided almost all areas in life where challenge or potential failure exists.
Failure has always scared me. I had an image to uphold. I wouldn’t allow myself to walk into a decision, opportunity, friendship, or anything that I could not ensure success—at least this is what You told me. I’m done with that now.
What You don’t know is that there is a lot of beauty in failure. Failure brings us to depend on God and not on our own abilities. The potential for failure makes things exciting, it allows us to learn. God doesn’t want failure to shut us down, but rather wake us up.
As a Christian, I think I should be someone who takes great risks, walking boldly in the direction God pulls me toward, and discovering the ups and downs He has waiting. “I’ve realized that I use to be afraid at failing at things that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t really matter.”*
As for my relationships with others, the ones You’ve manipulated so well, I refuse to go about them the same way anymore. Let’s agree to disagree. All the times You made me avoid conflict—giving me intense fear over the other’s response—actually have been doing more harm than You realize.
You see, conflicts are part of life and don’t need to be a terrible thing. The fact that I’ve been a doormat has not cultivated healthy relationships. Furthermore, there have been many occurrences where my avoidance actually harmed my relationships.
You told me that I was “keeping the peace”, and they would turn on me if I was vulnerable, but more often than not, my silence caused an unspoken gap. I should speak my thoughts and feelings in a loving, compassionate way. My conflict avoidance became the perfect environment for bitterness and resentment to grow like weeds. I’m not living this way any more. When I look at my best relationships, they have laughs and tears, ups and downs, and have strengthened from it all.
While I have You here, there’s something else I need to break to You. The truth is, I’ve found someone else.
The Creator of the Universe made me who I truly am.
I bear the image of Christ.
As one of His children, I am free to be completely me.
God says I am a light (Eph. 5:8), free from any condemnation (Rom. 8:1), sealed in Christ (Eph. 1:13), perfect in His eyes (Heb. 10:14), and wonderfully made (Ps. 139:14). He created me with my bubbly, energetic personality. He wired me to choose chips and salsa over chocolate—every single time. He formed my blue-green eyes that seem to change on their own whim. He gave me a curiosity for life, through which I have accumulated multiple interests, which rival the number of stars.
I am not perfect and I am still loved more than I can begin to fathom. My identity is not found in my successes, the amount of people who like me, or the amount of recognition I receive.
My identity is found in Christ alone. I am choosing to walk away from You, Fake Self, and walk boldly into the person God created me to be.
And we are never, ever, ever, getting back together.
No Longer Yours Truly,
My True Self
*quote from Love Does by Bob Goff
