As I get closer to the end of the race, I can’t help but think about my future.
I have so much swirling around in my head these days it’s hard to keep track of it all. The World Race has given me back that childlike & whimsical mindset & I once again believe that if God is calling me to it, it will be done – whether I think I can do it or not.
But. My future also has another side to it that I can’t help but be upset by. It’s the unshakable fact that God called me to be a missionary back in 2012 when I went to Peru on my second ever mission trip. I admit it- this scares me.
As wonderful as the world race has been it hasn’t helped me find my niche. Meaning- there’s nothing I’ve done in the past 10 months that I would want to do for any extended period of time. It’s helped me figure out what I don’t want to do & in a way that has been helpful.
The scariest bit is that God is putting what should be a comforting thought (but in my head is instead quite worrisome) on my mind.
Home. The fact that home is not back in the states. It’s not with my family. It’s not me being surrounded by my loved ones. Home is different from everything I want it to be. Home is where God is.
As I was on a bus between Phnom Penh & Kampong Chhnang here in Cambodia I was really wrestling with that thought. These days, I don’t really know how I’m feeling until I let my hand write it out. So, after talking with Mary, I got out my journal & went for it. The following is what I got sorted out:
Again, I give to you: unedited Vashti.
~~~~~~~~~~
~I wanna go…~
My eyes are always scrolling through old memories & faces of people that have disappeared in the mist of time passed.
How do I get home? HOME. Where is that? I’ve been searching for so long. My feet are bleeding & my soul is oh, so tired. Someone’s stollen my motivation. I feel so helpless.
Home is a bus terminal. A nameless gas station. An airport. A plastic stacking chair. An auditorium. An empty field. A barren mattress. A mossy forest.
The mountaintops. The pages of a book. Underneath the covers of a bunk bed. The middle of a cobblestone street.
Home is sitting in a tree, standing in a river, sipping from my little red coffee cup.
Home is a rainstorm, a car’s honking horn. The earbuds of my iPod. A pile of bricks in the middle of nowhere.
A group of floor tiles. A stuffed animal’s sewn-on smile.
Home is an old tie-dye long sleeve, a sweet vanilla oil, & a worn & tattered photograph.
A pen in my hand, wind in my hair, dancing feet, & a black bandana.
Several silver rings, bracelets, anklets, rasta earrings, & his necklace. I may not belong with him but his memory belongs to me.
Home is a Donald miller book, a good playlist, & my guitar in my hands.
Home is a set of notes, home is my tent, home is the people I’m living with.
I’m constantly searching for a place that surrounds me. Learning to recognize the home in their eyes is the most difficult puzzle I’ve ever lost the pieces to. Will I ever figure it out?
The Love from my family.
The memories in my head.
The words in my heart.
The earth beneath my feet.
I breathe it in. I breathe it out.
My home is never ending-
My home is the space between His left & right hands. I couldn’t leave if I tried.
So why won’t these tears dry? Why does my heart cry out for more – more of the One who escapes me.
Wake me up. I’m tired of dreaming. I want the unshakeable truth. Are you there? Oh, please, answer me.
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All those random places & things are the places I’ve felt at home at random points during the race- whether it’s my stuffed animal fox that my mom gave me for Christmas in 2013, a place I spent a lot of time running back in Quito, Ecuador, a swing set outside a host’s house in South America, or a beautiful tree in Zambia. It’s been the most random thing but all of a sudden I’ll feel like I’m home.
So why is this scary? Shouldn’t the fact that God is everywhere & because I believe in Him I’m therefore never alone & always home be a good thing? I think it should…that’s why I’m confused.
The way I think my heart has interpreted the message is- home is with God not with your family & your loved ones.
That’s scary to me because after being away from one of my most treasured things on Earth for soon to be 11 months (over a year for half my family) I no longer want to be separated from them. But at the same time, I want to keep traveling. I know I’m not done out here in the world.
I do apologize for the confusing & not-well put together collection of thoughts here but this is just something I know I need prayer for as I get ready to go into my next and last month: Vietnam.
Also, if I wasn’t so dang worried about God potentially calling me away from my loved ones again, I would’ve been able to put my thoughts together better.
Alright! So, prayer requests:
– peace & comfort
– the strength to dig in to this last month & ministry
– clarity, guidance, & wisdom for my future
– zeal for a renewed relationship with God
– that God would give me a hunger for his word
– continued health & healing for my ankle & knees (I’ve been running a lot recently to process through this stuff).
If you can think of anything else, I’d love the prayer. Thank you everyone!
Next month’s ministry:
We’re going to be helping out with after-school programs & God knows what else. We’re basically going to be at a summer camp! I’m excited because in the past couple weeks my teammates have been pointing out to me how much I light up when I get around kids (especially those that desperately need love).
If I remember correctly, we’ll be in Da Nang, Vietnam working for Fisher’s Super Kids. If you’ve got time, look it up & be in prayer for my team: S.alt N. L.ight (aka: Team Golder) over the next month.
Thank you, everyone!
Until Next Time,
~ Vashti W.
