Well crap. Look at these women; look at the way God just speaks to them. The way He uses their words and voices to declare truth over us. He is so apart of their life. They have such a relationship with Him. I don't have that. I probably never will. I don't even read the Bible on a daily, no more like yearly, basis. I can't be like them. I don't fit in. I am nowhere near the spiritual level they're on; I don't even know what level it is. I'm simply inadequate.
These lies have been on my heart for a few days now. Knowing my stubborn self I've kept them to myself; pushing them aside so other people can have their moments, not really wanting to share my feelings of inadequacy, somewhat afraid of what might be the reply. God knows though. And He has great timing mixed with good conversations.
So I'm thanking God for fences, very long fences.
I have to stop with the expectations. I have to stop comparing my life and my relationship with God to everyone else's. My relationship with God is not going to be anything like I expect it to be and He doesn't want it to be anything like a relationship He has with someone else. He wants a unique, individual, ridiculously awesome, humorous, intimate, loving relationship with His beloved daughter named Vanessa Nicole Butler. Maybe that won't involve an angel following me around daily, maybe it won't involve me hearing the voice of God as plain as day or falling down in the name of God. Maybe it won't be this huge, grand, pivotal moment that I can file away and have readily available to pull out when it's time to share my "testimony." Maybe that isn't what God has in store for me. Maybe it is. But I have to start believing that whatever God wants our relationship to look like, however God wants to reveal Himself to me, that it is going to be just for me. That it is going to be good. That He knows the desires of my heart. That He loves to see me smile and laugh and be filled with joy. He knows the dark and the broken parts of my heart, loves me anyway and will do anything to prove it.
I just need to stop expecting. Stop comparing. And stop telling myself that I'm not good enough for Him.
Because I'm not.
And it's beautiful.
