It’s like putting glasses on that you can’t take off. A filmy fog. This new filter of the world, my family, the roads, and myself… When I look in the mirror, it’s as if I don’t know who is looking back. I am dazed and confused. Where am I going or what am I doing? I don’t really know.
I mean, I do. I’m moving to Portland, but this in between time is throwing me off.
I suppose you think I’m busy, adjusting and spending time with family. But they weren’t kidding when they said that people’s lives really do go on when I’m not here. Mom has work and all my friends do too. So, what am I supposed to do in this middle time?
I can’t be who I was or put on this fake self and pretend that I’m fine. I may fit into my jeans, but I definitely don’t fit in here anymore. The box that the devil is trying to pulling me back into.
I went on a run this morning and when I slowed down to a walk, I took a deep breath in to try and bring myself into the here and now. And that’s when I caught it. I caught the smell of fresh cut grass. I smirked. I missed that scent. It took me back to all the times my mom would tell me to go cut the grass and the times I walked across campus in the early morning, rushing to class and the days of sweet summer time when my friends got the boat out to go boating.
I’ve missed America. I have missed the scent and comfort of home. The freedom. The joy. The peace that comes in the wind with the beating California sun on my skin.
I am so thankful for the experience that it has been to travel the world, learn to fully put others above myself, and sacrifice everything I owned and what I thought I ‘had a right to.’
If you’re still with me, thank you sincerely for being a part of this journey. In all the ways you have been.
For the final time,
XOXO Vandella
