I’m losing myself. More and more of me seems to be disappearing. I don’t know where I’m going. Are those parts of me gone forever? Or just a season? It happens so swiftly too. Like a lost shoe flowing down the stream of a calm river. I’m searching and searching and more things seem to go missing every day. I’m starting to lose control and I want to get out. Bail. Give up. Throw the towel in. Take a bus home instead of our next destination. My hands are desperately trying to grasp the quick sand that seems to slip right through my hands. I want to hold onto something, anything.
It’s too hard. Too much trust. Too uncomfortable. Too scary and painful.
But this is what I prayed for. This is what I signed up for. This is what I wanted. So why do I now feel so confused…
Surrender is a funny thing. It’s a field of wild flowers filled with beauty and adventure – it entices people to come and experience. Yet, most of the greenery is engulfed by weeds. They sticker you. They pull and tug until they’ve caught you.
Nothing is what it seems. And when everything is changing and we’re moving everyday lately, all I want is a bit of stability. That’s the thing with surrender though, there is no control. There are no alternate roads.
Just trust.
“Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it”
Matthew 10:39
