Grace filled brokenness. My team has been actively praying this over me for 7 weeks now. Man, God is patient and boy, does He take His time. It’s not what I wanted, but it is definitely what I’ve needed. I have wanted a quick fix, a healing in my heart to fill that deep hole, for 7 years now (since I invited Jesus into my heart). I am just realizing the common denominator here, 7. Otherwise known as the number of completion. Coincidence? I think not.
5 years ago, I met a boy that changed my life. He swept in and stuck in my mind and my heart for the following 3 years. During that time, we fell in love with miles between us, always desiring to just be together. Something in me knew we were separated for a reason, it became clear to me about a year into pursuing each other. It wasn’t our time, yet. But did I listen? No. I so desperately wanted and needed that deep ditch in my heart to be filled fast.
After 2 years, we both knew. Yet, we never spoke of it. I was too, his filler. My heart broke. I couldn’t picture life without him. So naturally, we began to dream of a wedding. This rocky foundation would crumble when the distance became too much for me to bear. I snapped. I began to look to a different man for affirmation and acceptance. Though we kept our physical boundaries, there were zero emotional boundaries.
The day I realized what I was feeling wasn’t honoring to my relationship, I made the call. It was THE MOST painful call I’ve ever made. I knew it was the end. And I had broken my own heart. He was right to be angry. He was right to feel betrayed. He was right to call it all off. I never thought I would EVER utter these words, but then I heard them spill out of my mouth, “It’s not you, it’s me…”
What was I to do? A complete mess at 19. I ran to my friends, I ran to my parents, and I ran straight into my sin.
It’s been just over 2 years since that day. And I’ve been running from God ever since. As I have worked tirelessly to shove Jesus into that dark pit in my heart, it’s been like a square peg in a round hole. Not because He doesn’t fit, but because I haven’t surrendered. I dreamt that this guy would be my husband. How could I open my hands and offer that control up to God?!
Well, here I am. Lying wide awake in the dead of night, replaying the memories, the good and bad times, once again. Just wanting answers.
God, it’s not you, it’s me.
I’ve been deep into this book, The Circle Maker by (Mark Batterson). It’s wrecking my Americanized prayer style and life. It is bringing me to my knees, with more precise, serious, and thought out prayers than ever before. Much like Moses, as he led his people to circle Jericho with prayers 7 days in a row, I too desire to tear down the walls in my heart around that well God is so patiently waiting to fill with His living waters.
Nothing and no one can separate us from the love of God. However, I want more. I long for more. I yearn for more of the Father’s unchanging and steadfast love. I know that He is knocking, He is waiting, He has the buckets ready. He wants the waters to overflow. All I have to do is answer.
This is my prayer. Please pray it with and over me as I work through the redemption piece here. I’m guessing it might take 7 times, or maybe 7 times 7, or heck, 7 times 70!! Regardless, I have faith. And I am waiting in expectancy.
THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for reading and keeping up with this crazy journey! Our squad traveled from Guyana to Suriname yesterday all together and my small team (5 girls) are completely on our own for the next month!! So exciting. We are pioneering through Suriname, French Guiana, and a bit of the Amazon River this month! Our work here is paving the way for Adventures in Missions because we are the first team from the organization to ever travel here. We are literally trusting God with every detail of our travel and stay, with barely any preparation on our part.
i can’t wait to share about what God does with this month in ministry and in our hearts!! We are already getting some incredible connections here in Suriname, people and places to stay that would have never happened without Him.
Please share these blogs! I am praying to be FULL FUNDED by the end of this month! That’s only $5,560 more!! I know God is WAY bigger than this amount. I can’t wait to see who He uses and how He ordains it all.
With love from Suriname!
Susan and I back in Colombia!
Houses in Bartica, Guyana have to be risen because of the flooding that happens in the rainy season.
We’ve been traveling by boat A LOT!
They weren’t kidding when they said these packs are our lives! Glad mine is only 28 pounds!!
The Black River in Bartica, Guyana. Black because of the tea leaves in the water.
This was the happiest moment, after spending a few hours in the rapids and getting some sun on my skin!
