For the last couple of days I have been asking God what my next blog should be. It didn't take long before he placed it on my heart. To be honest I really did not want this to be something public.
When I was fist accepted to go on the world race, I began praying that God would prepare me both mentally and spiritually r the journey at hand. As time has gone on, he began to show me things in my life that were not in plans for me. People who I needed to separate from, and Insecurities I need to deal with.
So this blog is my confessions. I have tried to deal with these insecurities on my own. But they keep creeping up. So I feel that be raw and open and making them public it will help me have the strength to beat them. A friend once told me that " fear is not a presence of emotion, But an absence of faith." Over the last couple of days I have been reflecting on what he had said to me and the rest of conversation. I've came to the conclusion that if his statement is true (which I believe it is) then You can fight fear by acting in faith.
of my biggest insecurities is that I will never measure up as a man. I look around to the men that I desire to be like, and I don't see the things that make them great leaders and great men in me. I often tell people when I am asked about what i would like in the future in a family, that I do not want a wife or kids. But the truth is I very much do desire a Family of my own. I have spent many nights praying in tears that God would make me more than what I am. That he would make me worthy to be a husband and father. I am so afraid that I will let my kids down as a father and not be the teacher and leader that they need. That my wife will never truly love me. I guess the reason behind these feelings I have come from a number of things. Me not knowing my father until the age 15 , my mother struggling for years to raise me and my brother. The pain she went through was hard for me to watch growing up. When I was 13 my mother married a man that I thought would be the guy to help her and show me and brother how to men. But that wasn't the case. He would be beat mother and us until we grew bigger than he. To make things worse not only was he an usher at the church but he was also a sergeant at the local jail. After ten years of marriage and the pain and separation between all of us my mother divorced this man.
During the time of their marriage I grew apart from my mother and brother. I felt like I was all alone to fight the world for my survival. To this day I still have trouble accepting help from people or God with most things in my life. So I never really grew up with an example of the type of man I want to be. So how will I know to treat my wife? Will I treat her the way I saw my mother be treated? I despise the thought that I could ever show my wife such a side of me. And the idea of having children makes it even worse. Will I be there for them or Distant like my Father was? How am I supposed to be the father I want to be? I pray that God would mold me into The man I want to be be. A leader. A teacher. A husband. A father. But these questions linger in mind.
My other biggest struggle is receiving love. I have a hard time even saying that I love some as a friend. I have had to force my self to get past it but it isn't any easier. I have a hard time forgiving and loving myself. I look back at my past and I cant see where I deserve love and forgiveness. But the truth is, If God can love me, if God can forgive me who am I that I can't.
My hope is that by typing this out and making it public that it makes me really believe in my self and in the God I serve.
