When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have ordained, What is a man that You are mindful of him, And the son of man that You visit him? Psalm 9:4
I had hobbled into the woods, my ankle swollen and bruised from a crazy volleyball game the night before. My inhaler was at hand–a case of walking pneumonia had reduced me to the quintessential wheezy kid–no amount of physical activity could be done without it near. I was sleep deprived and sore from camp mattresses that only remembered the idea of padding. I laugh now to realize the physical parallels to my emotional state. I was broken. I hadn’t really wanted to come on this retreat. But here I was, on my own, climbing a hill through the woods. Reaching a clearing that held the remains of an old fire pit complete with wood planks and stumps for chairs, I sat down– resigning myself to the nearest plank/stump combination. And then I began to pray.
I need You... I am so sorry… I need You… Why do You love me?
It doesn’t seem like it should have been enough. But it was. With those words my heart began to open. I began to feel again. I was His. The next three hours belonged to Him; I was reclaimed by my Savior as He showed me hints of the depth of His love. The love of a lover who pursues. Like a foolish school girl, I began to see, and my heart was overwhelmed by this. He was the one who, when in my darkest places of self-hate, whispered stories of my beauty. I saw Him in the story of my life– as the story, really. His promises became my truth: I am enchanted with you. I will protect you. I have loved you, just as you are, always. Become Mine, my child. Let Me love you. I read His words like a love letter. And then I began to dance. Needing to worship Him, I moved near the center of the clearing, played Jennifer Knapp loudly, and I sang. Spinning with arms wide, I gave myself to Him. I have no rhythm. I couldn’t name a note if it introduced itself. But the freedom of worship in the woods has shown me the beauty of surrender. And simply put, I just want to be His…
I will never know why You love me. I will never grasp the depth of that love. I fail. A lot. But all I want is You. Let this be the definition of me, the reason I live. I can’t do this without You, Lord. I need You.
