When God called Vashti Wills of 2014 J Squad to a remote village with in the mountains of Thailand, she only went out of obedience. Little did she know he was going to meet her there in a way that would change her life forever.
I didn’t want to go.
My teammate, Caroline, heard about an opportunity to minister for a few days in a remote area of Thailand and needed people to go with her. I felt God telling me to go, so against everything in me, I volunteered to join her.
A long travel day later, we arrived in the mountain village of Watchan. For the next few days, my teammates and I helped wherever we could – cooking, cleaning, farming, teaching English, and encouraging local believers in prayer, worship, and church.
Life in Watchan Village was slow, laid back, and peaceful. For the first time in a while, my life went from “must have measurable results” to “I wonder what God will do today?”
During the day, there were chunks of time where we were allowed to do anything we wanted. In no time at all, I found myself in a new place with God. I was studying His Word and writing down anything I felt like he was telling me.
It was like my heart woke up. Because there was something I was searching for as long as I remember. I finally realized what it was: Jesus.
Even though I’m a missionary, I’ve spent my days clocking in and out of Jesus. When it was time to do ministry, have a deep talk, worship, pray for someone, or do something “Christiany” I would “clock in”.
But the rest of the time, it was like I was off the clock. Still a Christian, just not intentional.
That day I prayed: “Jesus, I want a relationship with you. Help me to love you the way you love me. Inspire me to chase after you the way you’ve always chased after me.”
Over the next few days, I didn’t feel alone the way I used to. My thought patterns started changing. My priorities rearranged themselves. My smile wasn’t forced anymore.
And God started putting together the puzzle pieces of my soul.
Then he brought something up that I thought I’d dealt with already: men.
Before the Race, I was a self-destructing time bomb of a people pleaser. Anything anybody wanted from me was given, especially from men. It got to the point where if I wasn’t the focus of every man in my life then I wasn’t “worth it”.
I was desperate for attention. For love. For anyone and everyone to tell me I was wanted, important, beautiful, and that I mattered – that I stood out.
But I’d been so mistreated by men in my past that I didn’t trust them anymore. In my eyes, they all just wanted me to make them feel good. They were going to use me and then toss me aside like everyone else had.
Coming onto the Race, I couldn’t wait to see examples of godly men. I believed I’d just never had good enough examples of men and the men on my squad would fix me. They’d show me how to be strong and to stand up for myself, and I was going to learn how to get over my problems and move on.
God knew better. He knew that I could only learn those lessons from Him.
In my eyes, I was still an object and I was about to emotionally sell myself to the men on my squad for 11 months straight.
But without ever saying anything about my deeply rooted “man” problem, God guided my World Race leaders to put me on an all-girls team throughout my entire Race.
Now, in month 9, in this little village I didn’t want to go to in the first place, God asked me if I was lonely. I said yes because I wanted to be in a relationship with a man.
He asked me why.
At first I thought that was a stupid question: “Because I want to be held again. I want to see love for me in a man’s eyes again. I want to be told that I’m the love of someone’s life. I want to meet my soulmate! I want to start life with him and do super awesome missionary couple stuff with him!”
I sat there silently waiting for God to say something again. When he didn’t, I started reviewing my answers and realized they weren’t really true.
If I was honest with myself, I didn’t want to be with a man again. In fact, it scared me. Being in a relationship would mean being “tied down.” It would mean opening up to someone who could potentially hurt me. And it would mean having to trust a man to love and protect me rather than use and get bored of me.
In my head I whispered, “I take it back, God. I don’t want to be in a relationship. I can’t go through all of that again. I just want you.”
That night, I slept in peace. And the next morning, I woke up as a woman in love. It was so pure, so strong, so real – it was my love for Christ.
I’ve been set free from the prison of trying to earn affection and worth from men. Instead, I know who my heart belongs to first. I have found my identity in Jesus, and it has literally changed everything about my life – from what I think when I look in the mirror to how I share his love with everyone I meet.
*First photo by Olivia Osley.
Sometimes you have to get out of your comfort zone to get a good look at who you really are. True identity is one of the biggest issues Racers come face-to-face with. Are you ready to do that? Click here to find out more about routes that are open RIGHT NOW.
