In a few short days I’ll be traveling to Victoria Falls, the most breath-taking waterfall on the planet containing the border of Zambia and Zimbabwe. A bridge runs along the falls and thousands bungee jump from this bridge every year. When we go there I will bungee jump from this bridge.
Am I scared? Yes!
Why do it if I’m scared? Because I don’t like to be controlled by fear, although ironically I’ve been controlled by fear most of my life…
In October a girl on our squad fired questions at me digging, trying to get to know the real me. After answering some of her questions she said, “it must be exhausting living in fear all the time.” Wow! Blunt much?! The nerve! I was offended, but you can only be offended where you’re offendable right?
I’m a brave person I thought to myself. I’ll do anything that needs to be done. Try me! I’ll love harder than anyone you’ve ever seen. I’ll fight until there’s nothing left in me. I’ll protect those around me with all I have. I’m brave! I felt the little Trish inside me arguing back as if this girl would hear and take back what she said, but she didn’t. She just sat and stared at me. I wanted to push her out of my hammock.
Unfortunately I wasn’t able to truly appreciate this conversation until recently. That girl was right. I’d been living in fear. I was living as a scared kid performing and pretending when really I only wanted to be seen. I was just too afraid to let it actually happen.
I need to be vulnerable with all of you. I’ve felt God nudging me towards writing this for some time so know these words do not come to you without conviction, wrestling, tears and the longing for truth. They have been covered in prayer so they may be received with grace and love.
I need you to know I love my family with my whole heart. I would not be where I am today without them. They’re some of the most incredible and generous people I’ve ever met. However, every family has their ghosts. Several attempt to keep quiet because there’s a false comfort in pretending problems don’t exist within your own walls or perhaps there’s fear of what other “seemingly perfect” families will think or how they may react. Unfortunately some rejoice in the revealing of others’ mistakes and mishaps in order to deflect their own painful realities, which only continues to drape the fear over all of us. The sadness in hiding our real, vulnerable stories is it hides how God’s hands have fully worked in our lives. That fear keeps others from feeling they can relate to us. That fear keeps God and His peoples’ love, grace and forgiveness in the shadows. I’m done living in this fear. I’m going to let all of you in on a part of my life and because family’s lives are so closely knit and spill onto one another part of their story must be told as well. I pray and trust you will hear God’s voice and open your hearts to Him.
A long time ago something happened to me when I was a little girl. When I came forward it was “handled” quickly and brushed under the rug. No one told me I was worth more or fighting for and as a little girl I interpreted it the only way it made sense to me…I’m not worth fighting for. I did something wrong.
A handful of years later, as a teenager, my family went through something that caused me to believe I needed to be more than I was ever capable of being. It was unrealistic for me to fill the roles I felt I had to, but when you’re a kid you aren’t always able to have a clear view of reality. I tried, but of course I failed in attempting to be more than myself so I began believing the lie- I wasn’t enough. From then on I have operated in some way or another out of the fear- that I wasn’t enough, that I had failed, that I wasn’t worth fighting for.
I began to seek approval to mask the failure I unknowingly carried around. I would get high honors all throughout school so people would know I was smart. I would get on homecoming court so it meant I was popular and people liked me. I would be the best on my basketball team and ride a scholarship into college to become the captain of that team so I could show people how athletic I was and how good I was at leading others. “Look what I can do!” the little Trish in me would proclaim. Maybe I failed years ago but look what I’ve done since then.
This way of living and believing also wreaked havoc on my love life for obvious reasons as you can imagine. To read how God has brought incredible healing to this specific area of my life you can check out a blog I wrote a handful of months ago (Here).
In the past I typically was drawn to the relationships I could control. It sounds terrible but it’s true. It was easy for me to get peoples’ attention. They’d become interested and we’d become a thing. Soon they would be vulnerable sharing a part of their story and they’d want the same from me. I’d give a little but just enough that I still had control. They’d want to get more serious and I’d disappear never allowing them to fully know who I was. I was unknowingly manipulating the situation.
Then unexpectedly I fell into the unhealthiest relationship I’d ever been in. At first it was intoxicating. They played the victim allowing me to be the hero. Perfect! I could redeem the failures I felt. Unfortunately as broken as we both were this relationship only led to resentment and pain. Lies, manipulation, betrayal, and abuse all engulfed this relationship and any vulnerability that had been shared was exposed. Instead of realizing how unhealthy we were I internalized it as again as I wasn’t enough, that I had failed, that I wasn’t worth fighting for.
I had no idea how much pain would result in engaging in relationships where fear was masked as love.
Donald Miller is my favorite author and in his most recent book Scary Close he states,
“All the people I’ve met who’ve really changed from unhealthy to healthy have a story, a story about hitting bottom, realizing what they were doing wrong, and radically changing the way they live so they don’t repeat their mistakes.”
I completely agree as my story tells.
The trick is, there can’t be any tricks at all. There can be no exchanges behind your back. The partial truth isn’t the truth at all. Deception and truth cannot coexist. To be truly known, to be completely honest is the only way to be truly intimate with anyone.
I have met some of the most incredible people on the Race. As I entered the Race I realized I had two options. I could either continue to perform and go through this whole thing coming out on the other side similar to how I came in, or I could trust. I could trust the people around me with who I really am. I could trust them with what I’ve been through. I could trust them with the things I’ve done and the things that have been done to me. I could trust them with my real self and I could trust I’m enough to get the love I need and desire. So I trusted them.
Month 1 on a bus next to my best friend I was asked straight up about parts of my sorta testimony that didn’t add up and right then and there I had a choice. Do I allow myself to be fully known or do I share the partial truth masked with deception, fear and shame? I chose to trust and that decision changed my life. In month 4 in Honduras I sat with a group of some of my closest girl friends on the squad and I told them my real testimony. I wanted these people to be permanent fixtures in my life and in order to experience true intimacy with them I had to give them the real me.
Was it scary? Yes!
Was it worth it? Absolutely!
Brene Brown is another incredible author and in her book, Daring Greatly, she says this about shame,
“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable”.
I had been pretty vulnerable with people before, but this time it was different. It was with new people in a new season. It was me trusting these people and bringing them from acquaintances to family. I wasn’t merely confessing with my tail between my legs. I wasn’t pushing all the blame on someone or something else. I wasn’t presenting only the partial truth. I was being completely open and honest and looking those in front of me in the eye while I shared God and I’s story. I was wrapping words around the shame I felt. I was greeted with love, tears and empathy to release the shame and fear I had carried for so long.
I had given myself and it was enough. The fear was being replaced by freedom.
Graham Cooke has a message, in which he states,
“And know this says the Lord My love damages fear. My love hates fear. My love will fight fear. It will fight fear in you. It will fight fear around you. And if you have fear this evening, says the Lord then know that you have a treat in store because My perfect love casts out fear. There is no fear where I am present because my love casts out fear.”
I’ve been in a season learning about trust for a while now. Trusting the people I’m with, and fully trusting God. Trust cannot be achieved if fear is in the way. Fear is diminishing more and more by the second and freedom is moving in. With freedom comes true joy!!! Don’t highlight fear in your life anymore. You have to dig at the root of your fear and fight it by recognizing that the truth- God’s truth- fights all the lies and the fear. Don’t allow it to have a voice. Don’t give it power. Experience freedom. Make the jump with me!
