I've been home for 2 weeks
After living in 24/7 community with 5 other girls…
I now often find myself alone for hours
After 6 months of trying to find wifi…
it is now readily available EVERYWHERE
I can call/text whoever I want whenever I want without worrying about time difference…
but I often find myself wanting to throw my phone in the trash
I find myself longing to call/text/feedback/share life with the 5 girls from team LEGO…
but I can't
They are in Kenya
I am in California
They are still living Race life
24/7 community
Feedback
Ministry
I am not
I am on the other side of the world
Still trying to figure out why God called me to come back to the states early
I would much rather be in Kenya, loving on African babies, and getting my hair braided than spending my days cleaning/organizing out of pure boredom.
I would much rather be out traveling the world and loving on the lost than sitting idle with no job/ministry…
I have a funny feeling that it is because of this that God has me here
For the past 5 years I let work and school consume me
I get stir crazy!!!
I have the desire to constantly be DOING something
I really do not know how to just BE
I don't know what it looks like
I don"t know what it feels like
I can remember training camp
God taking me into the back woods of Georgia and breaking down my pride
Taking me into the middle of nowhere just to get me alone
I remember the panic I felt when I was alone (it's often what I feel now)
I remember trying to find a way to run
Trying to find a way to crowd out my heart
To silence the voice of God
I remember getting injured
and
God finally cornering me
He said
"Stop running! Stop trying to fill your life with business! Learn to rest in me! Learn to just be with me!"
The week ENDED
I went back to work
I worked EVERY day until the day before launch
I desired to learn to just BE
I just didn't know how
I left on the race
and
Still couldn't just BE
I based my worth on what I did
I prided myself in my 2-3 jobs plus youth ministry
I thought of my sleepless nights as a badge of honor
A theme of my Race has been letting Go
Training camp was letting go of pride
Learning to ask for help
Launch/1st week on the field was letting Go of secrets
Learning to be vulnerable (still in process)
Guatemala month 3 was letting Go and releasing the opportunities/jobs that kept my heart divided from the Race
Romania month 6 was letting Go of control
I could have continued on the Race
I could have chose to hold tightly to the security I had in the Race
The security in 5 more months
5 more months that were planned out for me
5 months for me to come up with a plan
5 more months to find things that would fill my life with business after month 11 was over
5 more months of ministry and 24/7 community that I could continue to use as an excuse not to be alone with God
Instead
God said, "I'm stripping you of ALL control."
I did not understand at first
I still don't grasp it fully
But
God said
"I told you at training camp to STOP… but you can't. So, I'm going to teach you. I'm taking away control. I'm sending you home."
As much as I kicked & screamed
God didn't change his answer
I learned
Sometimes our Race isn't JUST about saving others
Sometimes it's about God saving us in the process too
I'm not saying I wasn't saved
I have complete faith in my salvation
However, somewhere in the last 10 years I lost track of the fact that I don't have to earn it.
I somehow forgot I CAN'T earn it
I forgot there is nothing I can do that makes me deserving
It's pure grace
I don't have to prove my worth
I just have to rest in the FREEDOM of his grace
It took him taking me to 6 different countries and the sending me back to California to remind me of this truth.
All have sinned and fall short!!
It took him LOVING me enough to TEACH me in a really hard way
So what does life after the race look like for me?
It looks like this:
1 broke missionary learning how to rest in her father
8 hrs a day alone
No job. No plans. Just God!
Embracing Grace and Freedom
I spent the last 2 weeks jacked up
Blind to what I was actually suppose to be doing here
It took one night of insomnia and a little bit of anxiety to finally get it
That this truth "
