Then I went to college.
I don’t know when exactly it happened, but I started finding my value in guys and how I looked. Eating disorders weren’t completely foreign to me because along the way I had several friends and acquaintances that struggled with them. I still couldn’t believe how someone could starve themselves or throw up after eating. I was still the girl ordering a cheeseburger when others were eating a salad.
And then I went through a bad breakup.
I realize now that I was barreling down a dangerous path leading up to that point. My worth and value weren’t coming from God, I cared more about what my boyfriend thought, how I looked in the mirror, and how much attention I got from others. So when my relationship ended and I thought my life was ruined, all I heard were lies:
“You’re not good enough.
You’re not beautiful.
No man will love you unless you look like her or her, or even that girl-
or unless you drop a dress size-
unless you work out more.”
The list of lies that I heard- and worse, listened to- could go on and on. I felt ugly and worthless. So it started slow, but I started eating less and working out more. I started losing a lot of weight and got a lot of attention for it. It didn’t go on for long- I got hungry and my mom got on me J– but it went on long enough to form a mindset. Long enough to have me believing the lies that if wore a size smaller, I would feel better. That if I worked out one extra hour- I would get more attention. Long enough to believe that I was close, but just not good enough. I knew I needed to change, so I started eating more and working out less, got a good handle on my behavior, but the root was still there. Behaviors always stem from a root and I’m realizing that until you get to the root, you’ll never have victory over anything. So for several years I hadn’t necessarily been anorexic, but that mindset was there. Making sure not to eat too much, being sure to work out, worrying about how my clothes fit, ridden with guilt after eating too much ice cream, etc. I thought that it was something normal that all women did. I would have never called it an eating disorder, and still today I’m hesitant to call it that- however, it wasn’t healthy and it is complete bondage to worry about the food you put in your mouth all the time.
Over the last two years, God has started speaking over me my true identity. I realized that He defines me. That He has made me beautiful and that my value and worth lies in the fact that He is in me. He had also been slowly teaching me through the amazing man He has put in my life that love isn’t about how I look, but about who I am. Then, the turning point happened in Kenya. I realized that even though I hadn’t been acting on and eating disorder, the mindset still had me in bondage and I wanted freedom from that. I brought that to the Lord and He answered,
“Just ask.”
And He gave me the verse 1 Thessalonians 4:16 which says,
“For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will raise first.”
At first I was a little confused about that verse, but then I realized that this is a verse proclaiming the Lord’s victory. That He is victorious and powerful. He is the key to breaking bondage and all He wanted me to do was to “just ask.”
Yah, it’s still hard. Some days I hear the lies and some days I still listen to them. Sometimes I have to choose freedom and that’s not always easy. Some days I have combat the lies one by one with truths that are in His word. But it’s worth it, because I’m worth it.
So I have one request for every woman that’s reading this today. Put on the song “Just the Way You Are” by Bruno Mars really loud on repeat and ask God to speak your identity over you. And He will tell you that you are His beautiful daughter. That He made you perfectly. That you have value and worth. That He loves you. That you make Him smile. That He delights in you like a groom rejoices over His bride. That you look ridiculously sexy even in your sweat pants. That even after cleaning up your kids’ puke, or taking bucket showers for 9 months, or working in the fry pit all weekend- you look ridiculously attractive. That those curves (or lack thereof) are the best thing that’s happened to your husband since sliced bread. You’ll be amazed at how having confidence in who God has made you to be makes you look beautiful to yourself and to others.
