And the saga continues…
I find it comical in Numbers 11:11-12 that Moses, the revered Israelite leader, is questioning the Lord’s judgment on putting Moses as leader. He asks, “Why have you been so hard on Your servant? And why have I not found favor in Your sight, that you have laid the burden of all this people on me?” (Here comes my favorite part.) “Was it I who conceived all these people? Was it I who brought them forth, that You should say to me, ‘Carry them in your bosom as a nurse carries a nursing infant, to the land which You swore to their fathers?'”
I’m not comparing my leadership role to Moses’ leadership role. I’m not. Well, actually maybe I am. He obviously trumps me. He was leading 600,000- I’m co-leading 35. He was leading them through uncharted territory. I have an amazing logistics team that figures out all of that stuff for me. The list could go on, but the principle is the same. Did I conceive these people? Why do I have to carry this burden? Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely adore my squad. They don’t complain half as much as the Israelites did and they are amazing group of genuine followers of Christ. I guess my difficulty comes from the fact that they all have stories as well. Just like me, they don’t have spotless pasts, they struggle to walk in freedom, the race is hard for them too. Sometimes I just feel like I’m in over my head. I have no idea how to handle the complex issues that Andrew and I are faced with on a daily basis.
If you’ve been reading my blogs, you know I’ve been going through a really dry spot. Last night I was sitting with some other leaders and I just started crying (I’m becoming quite emotional in my old age). We’re preparing to have debrief, the time where all the teams together and we meet with each team and work out any issues. Debrief is SO fun, but at the same time, Andrew and I need to have several difficult conversations with people and need to be pouring into our leaders, etc. I don’t feel like I can do that. I’m exhausted. I don’t feel poured into. I haven’t been hearing from God like I was before. This morning as I was journaling, I questioned God, “How am I supposed to lead others and pour into people when you’re not filling me up??”
At that very moment, I tuned into the song that my ipod was playing. It was just on shuffle through my worship music , and it was the Casting Crowns song “In Me.” I haven’t heard that song in ages. Anyway, the chorus goes like this:
Cause I’ll never get by, living on my own abilities.
How refreshing to know you don’t need me, how amazing to find that you want me.
So I’ll stand on your truth and I’ll fight with your strength, until you bring the victory.
By the power of Christ in me.
Yah, I’m exhausted. Yah I don’t have things to pour into people. Praise God. What comes from me is only going to be what is coming directly from Him and that’s all people really need to hear anyway. I’m reminded of a sermon I heard back in Kenya about how when we obey what God commands us, God is with us and He makes us successful. He says this to leaders all throughout the Bible- Joseph, Abraham, Moses, Joshua, David, Jeremiah…
You know that saying that says something like, “You can’t lead others where you have not been yourself…” ? I don’t think I believe that anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing. I haven’t walked through things my squad has walked through. I don’t have the answers. Some on my squad are so much more spiritually mature than I am. I’ve never lead people into the promised land. Does that mean I can’t lead? Nope. There needs to be a clause in that quote. It should go like this. “You can’t lead others where you have not been yourself [unless you are following the Creator of the Universe who knows what He is doing and who promises to be with you and lead you]. So maybe that quote isn’t as catchy as before, but to me as a leader, there is nothing more reassuring.
Oh, I think God spoke to me just now. Amen.
The Lord will accomplish what concerns me; Your lovingkindness, O Lord, is everlasting.
Do not forsake the work of your hands.”
