Something that I have struggled with for many years of my
life is the lies hidden in the sanction of performance for the likes and
acceptance of others (including myself). This terminal disease has riddled my life
with short-sightedness and depression of the worst kind. I’m sure I’m not alone
in this..so as you read from an exert from a book called “Abba’s
Child” by Brennan Manning, consider for yourself whom you need to embrace
– the impostor within…or the Prince of Peace.
Good-morning, impostor. Surly you are surprised
by the cordial greeting, you probably expected, “Hello, you little
jerk.” since I have hammered you from day one of this retreat. Let me
begin by admitting that I have been unreasonable, ungrateful, and unbalanced in
my appraisal of you. (Of Course, you are aware, puff of smoke, that in
addressing you, I am talking to myself. You are not some isolated, impersonal
entity living on an asteroid but a real part of me.)
I come to you today not with rod in hand but with
an olive branch. When I was a little shaver and first knew that no one was
there for me, you intervened and showed me where to hide. (In those Depression
days of the thirties, you cal my parents were doing the best they could with what
they had just to provide food and shelter.)
At that moment in time, you were invaluable.
Without your intervention I would have been overwhelmed by dread and paralyzed
by fear. You were there for me and played a crucial, protective role in my
development. Thank you.
When I was four years old, you taught me how to
build a cottage. Remember the game? I would crawl under the covers from the
heard of the bed to the footrest and pull the sheets, blanket, and pillow over
me – actually believing that no one could find me. I felt safe. I am still
amazed at how effectively that worked. My mind would think happy thoughts, and
I would spontaneously smile and start to laugh under the covers. We built that
cottage together because the world we inhabited was no a friendly place.
But in the
construction process you taught me how to hide my real self from everyone and
initiated a lifelong process of concealment, containment, and withdrawal. Your
resourcefulness enabled me to survive. But then your malevolent side appeared
and you started lying to me “Brennan,” you whispered, “if you
persist in this folly of being yourself, your few long-suffering friends will
hit the bricks, leaving you all alone. Stuff your feelings, shut down your
memories, withhold your opinions, and develop social graces so you’ll fit in
wherever you are.”
And so, the elaborate game of pretense and
deception begin. Because it worked I raised no objection. As the years rolled
by, you – I got strokes from a variety
of sources. We were elated and concluded the game must go on.
Bu your needed someone to bridle you and rein you
in. I Had neither the perception not the courage to tame you, so you continued
to rumble like Sherman through Atlanta,
gathering momentum along the way. Your appetite for attention and affirmation
became insatiable. I never confronted you with the lie because I was deceived
myself.
The bottom line, my pampered playmate, is that
you are both needy and selfish. You need care, love, and safe dwelling place.
On this day in the Rockies my fist is to take you where, unknowingly, you have
longed to be – into the presence of Jesus. Your days of running riots are
history. From now on, you slow down, slow very down.
In His presence notice that you have already
begun to shrink. Wanna know somethin’,
little guy? Your much more attractive that way. I am nicknaming you
“Pee-Wee”. Naturally, you are not going to roll over suddenly and
die. I know you will get disgruntled at times and start to act out , but the
longer you spend time in the presence of Jesus, the more accustomed you grow to
His face, the less adulation you will need because you will have discovered for
yourself that He is Enough. And the Presence , you will delight in the
discovery of what it means to live by grace and not by performance.
Your friend,
Brennan
I pray that this acknowledgment of the impostor
within has enlighten you to consider growing beyond the standards around us and
seeking the sanction and safety within found only in the acceptance and
preservation of life in the Savior within.
Be blessed..and be a blessing…
“Trip”
