Along the journey of the Race, I've heard people say, “God, you are going to have to show me if you want me to believe that.”
And God shows them!!
Well, my whole life I’ve been the opposite. I've had faith (given to me by the Lord) to believe and continue to believe even after time and time again I see NOTHING.
In month 7, I had one of many vent sessions with the Lord because my friend was talking about this cool revival she went to where people were healed and got touched by the Holy Spirit. And I thought to myself, “I want that.”
And again, “God, I’ve been praying for these things and you don’t give them to me. I know that it’s not because you love me less. I know there is nothing I can do to earn these things, but I’m tired of not seeing what I ask you for. I am tired of not seeing cool Holy Spirit encounters and not seeing people get healed. And there are certain gifts of the Spirit I’ve been asking you for FOREVER. I just don’t understand why you don't give them to me. Do you not trust me?”
This is what He wrote back to me:
My dear Trena,
Those things do not define my love for you. They don’t define who I have made you to be. My gifts were never trophies meant to be earned, never goals meant to be reached, never used to cause division, satan did that. Satan has made those things idols in the eyes of my children. Something to strive for. Something to be earned and that’s not how I work. That’s not how my heart works. I love you regardless of the gifts I give you. The gifts are not given based on my love for you, they are given in a way that will best bring glory to me. Trena, I trust you with the gifts. It’s not that, it’s just not the time. But one day you will have them. I promise. I want you to have those experiences with me but I don’t want those experiences to define our relationship. I don’t want those things to be the foundation. I want the foundation to be LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. I want you to encounter my strong love for you. Continue to receive my strong love. The definition of our relationship is LOVE, not works, not gifts, but LOVE. I want to give you the fullness of my heart if you will only receive it.
Your Father God
You would think that would be enough for me!
But the next month, I was the only one who didn’t get to see a demon casted out of a little girl. God knows I wanna see all that stuff! I’ve been asking and believing for it all year!
The enemy flooded my mind with lies, “Does God not trust me enough to be there? Is that why He didn’t let me see?”
I knew the answer was NO but I wasn't receiving it in my spirit.
During month 8 debrief, I told a few people about the revelation I received from the Lord back in Uganda (Check it out if you haven't, http://trenacorkern.theworldrace.org/?filename=the-elder-brothers-view.) And I kept hearing Luke 15:31 “My son, the father said, you are always with me, and everything I have is yours.”
EVERYTHING I HAVE IS YOURS.
I started believe that again. And came into agreement with the Father this month that He would release HEAVEN on EARTH.
And after the first two days in Tanzania, I’ve witnessed people get saved, healed, and delivered from demons.
Papa, let me see!!! He does trust me!!
I thanked Him a bajillion times within those 2 days.
But then God asked me, “Trena, does that change our intimacy? Does that change my love for you? Do you feel like I love you more now than I did before? Do you think that I see you as more worthy of my love because I let you see what happened today?”
Answer: NO
I realize that I already have everything that I really need. Everything I need to find my identity and my worth.
Seeing the power of God cast out a demon was amazing, but I don’t think that God loves me more now because He allowed me to be there to pray for it. It’s not something that really changed my intimacy with Him. If all I did all day was witness God perform miracles, signs, and wonders without taking time to be alone with Him, I would not really KNOW Him.
And KNOWING Him is the best gift I could ever receive.
So the gifts and things I thought prevented me from having greater intimacy with my Father…I realized that I didn’t need them all along. I know they are good things, of course, manifestations of our God’s power released on earth.
But the best gift I could ever receive was given to me over 2,000 years ago, when Father God made a way for me to be close to Him through His son. When my Papa made it possible for me to have a relationship with Him.
I don't ever want to forget that truth.
"that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you." John 17:21
"Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world." John 17:24
Intimacy is a gift that we have all received through the precious blood of Jesus Christ. It's a gift every one of you can have. All you have to do is ask the Father!!
