So I wanted to share the latest revelation the Lord gave me on the plane ride to Africa. He showed me I was not receiving the fullness of His love.
The story starts in Malaysia where God began surfacing some wounds that I thought had already healed. A friend from PenHOP shared with me a few words God had given him. He told me that I felt the need to perform and that I was the elder brother in the prodigal son parable. I thought, “Ok, I know I don’t have to perform for God or earn His love and I don’t think I am the elder brother. But I receive this and will ask God later.” I know God can tell other people things for me, but this guy had only known me for three days. I thought it was a little weird, but I walked away encouraged.
While I was on the plane I decided to start reading the parable of the prodigal son in Luke 15.
Holy Spirit, show me what you wanna show me about this elder brother thing.
Pretty quickly I was reminded how in the past there had been times when I had been jealous of people with the prodigal son testimony. The younger son was away from his father, and when he was reunited there was a huge celebration. He got the best ring, best robe, and the fattened calf. There have actually been times when I thought about turning away from the Lord just so I could have this amazing encounter when I came running back to Him.
Papa, I don’t understand how that’s fair. Why does he get the best of everything? He rebelled from you…
I kept reading until I got to verse 29 “But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat to celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’”
Here’s what I wrote in my journal: “OMG, I’m the elder brother.”
That is so me! There have definitely been times when I asked God for something like a spiritual gift and God wouldn’t give it to me. I would see Him give similar gifts to other people, many with the prodigal son testimony and I would think to myself, “God, what do I have to do to get there. Do I need to pray more? Fast more? Get in your Word more?”
Then Holy Spirit revealed the root of my jealous heart.
Lies I had been believing:
I have to get God’s attention for Him to love me like He loves the prodigal son.
God loves the people who have rebelled and come back to Him more than He loves me (someone who has followed Him her whole life.)
Because He loves those people more, He will give them more spiritual gifts and use them to do bigger things for His kingdom.
Truths:
I know in my mind these things are not true, but there have continued to be times in my life where I haven’t received it in my heart and spirit allowing me to walk in this truth.
I had this thought that people like the prodigal son have more of God’s love and grace because they need Him more. He was filled with compassion for them because they were lost. But the truth is that if I have that mindset then I am saying that their sin is worse than mine, which is so not even true. The truth is that I needed Jesus to save me from myself just as much as the one who deliberately disobeyed Him.
The truth is that God loves the ladyboy in Thailand just as much as He loves the pastor of a Mega Church. He loves me, the girl who may just sit in the back of a church service and intercede in prayer just as much as the pastor He uses to bring 100’s to Christ and heal even more. To Father God, the gifts He has given me or no less important than the gifts He has given an Evangelist who sees miracles every day. In God’s eyes, the little girl who sits in the corner of church playing with her toys is no less important nor less loved than her dad who is up prophesying to the entire church.
Papa, I didn’t realize that I wasn’t receiving the fullness of your love for me. If I did then I never would desire to have someone else’s relationship with you.
And I realized once again what a good Father that God truly is. Before I came on the Race, I was asking God for certain gifts. If He had given them to me then, I never would have learned that I had a misconception about His love for me. I would have thanked my Father for the gift, and then it probably would turn into something else that I would seek Him for after comparing myself to another one of His children. And you know Father God did that because He loves me that much. He didn’t want me to continue to walk in that lie.
Ok Papa, I repent of believing that lie and becoming angry with you. What do you want to show me through this?
I kept reading in Luke….
V. 31-32 “’My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is now found.’”
Look at what was being celebrated….the lost son came back to the Father. THAT’S DEFINITELY SOMETHING WORTH CELEBRATING! But the elder brother was jealous. He didn’t think it was fair. His heart was not in the right place. He compared himself to his younger brother and thought he deserved the BEST too.
Then Holy Spirit revealed to me that I could have a heart of celebration just like the Father. I can actually be filled with compassion and have just as much excitement to celebrate as the Father. By receiving that compassionate heart and breaking off the jealousy, my heart will look more like the Father’s. I will be able to LOVE more like my Father. And if I have learned anything over these past 6 months, it’s that LOVE IS EVERYTHING!
So where I believed that certain gifts made people more intimate with the Father, I realize at this point for me God wants to make my heart look more like His. And if I understand the Father’s heart better, I will be more intimate with Him.
Then I thought about Esther. All the other women brought to the kingdom got caught up in the gifts of the King, such as pretty clothes and beauty treatments. However, Esther did what she could to please the King’s heart.
And I thought to myself “Why have I focused so much on receiving His gifts when I can have His heart?”
There is SO much of His love to be discovered.
All the crappy months of comparing myself spiritually and not getting the things I thought I wanted or needed were worth it. Because a root of jealousy has been revealed and removed, so my heart can look more like my Father’s. I can celebrate with the girls on my team that God uses to do really amazing things, even if I am just in the background holding a child. I don’t have to be in the center of it all. I don’t have to be the one that is used to preach the house down here in Africa if God has anointed someone else to do just that. Because I know He loves me the same. I am starting to understand better and better the importance of the Body of Christ.
Please pray that I will continue to walk in the truth of this revelation and that the enemy will not flood my mind with the lies. Father God is faithful!
In the States, I feel like it’s so easy to get caught up in performing for God and for people. We get so caught up in doing all these good things for the Lord that we forget the most important thing, which is pursuing His heart. I know there are still areas of my heart that don’t look like my Father’s. Right now that’s what I desire above all else, to pursue Father God’s heart!
