Who am I in Christ? God wants to reveal in all of us the real person inside of us. He digs down deep inside of us to retrieve the real person that we have lost through our own insecurities, self consciousness, and shame.
What’s my struggle? What’s my fear?
I’ve always had a keen ability to love people easily, sometimes too easily. I have not always allowed the best people into my life, I’ve not always made the best choices, I’ve not always had pure motives or desires and the shame I have faced from that has hindered my ability to manifest Christ because I have hidden it and I have not wanted to let people know what a sinner I really was/am.
My fear was losing respect of my family, friends, church and supporters, then in turn losing supporters, losing friends, losing the men in my life, losing the ‘fun times’ and ‘fun stories’ that were coming along with the lifestyle I was leading.
I have this desire to please the Lord and follow Him solely and connect with Him. But I also feel this way toward humans. I struggle with why I have a desire to hear what people think of me, when I can read in the word what the Lord thinks of me.
Why am I not as excited about that?
I’ve loved a couple of people in my life, truly loved dearly, and I still feel love toward them, so much I feel like I have difficulty moving past them.
Is it because I do not want to be alone?
I’ve always thought I loved being alone, I sure wish at least four times a week that I could escape from the world race and go to my room and my bed at home away from these people who are calling me to higher places with the Lord/forcing me to exhibit patience and love when all I want to do is run away, hide, and find my friends back home. Little did I know I love to fellowship with others, and I love to love people… I long for love and that’s okay, that’s not something to hate about myself. For I have asked the Lord to release me from that, but He is teaching me what a gift that is, when used correctly.
I did not have a community of friends back home that would discourage the ungodly behavior in my life, quite the opposite, they encouraged it, and that is where I received my counsel. They justified it, they lived it, and they did not want to see change in me. So I justified it and even worse began leading others to it, and I was representing my “Christianity” during it. We represent Christ with our bodies, our temples and we are supposed to offer them as living sacrifices to Him (Romans 12:1)
Am I not excited about Christ because I feel unworthy of His love and affection because of my insecurities in the giftings He himself has blessed me with?
Is it because I feel different from everyone in my current community because I’m the only one that has struggled with this type of sin?
Do I feel less of a Christian because of this?
Am I not excited because I still feel like a piece of me wants to be back at home, going out on the weekends, finding my worth in others and not in Christ?
Because it’s a lot easier to do that, a lot emptier, but a lot easier. And why when I feel like I’m being vulnerable and open, do I feel alone in the things I’m wrestling with- and a bigger questions is why do I still have these feelings of inadequacy when I read and know in my head that they are not true.
Why is my heart not matching my head?!
I know I’m a new creation in Christ (2 Corinthians 5: 17) I know that Christ came here to reconcile us with Him. I know that redemption is the goal for people and me and it takes place through Christ from which all things were made and from which all things are created new! The sin in my life has broken me of who God wants me to be but I know He will restore that.
They say the World Race is about breaking down walls in your life, walls of fear, rejection, whatever your struggle is. I feel as if I need to rebuild some walls and find boundaries within myself and build walls of holiness and purity. I need to find a boundary of loving people that is healthy and figure out my motives about what part of not having these boundaries is due to a fear of being alone and leaving my old life behind. My heart needs to heal and erase, I need to know what needs to be whited out in my book of love. I want to give my body as a living sacrifice and give to others the way Christ has given to me. I want to walk in the light, and I want my eyes to be on Him.
Jenny Sue Hill had a vision for me of a dove with an olive leaf in its mouth- a promise for me- and she prophesied that it was about the eyes of the dove to which was explained to her from Song of Solomon by our lovely TCT as follows: the meaning of having eyes like doves is to have a single-focus on whatever you’re looking at. Doves can only focus on one thing. So it means Christ is solely focused on and in love with us, and wants the same from us in return. So I’m in the process of trying to learn this and I have faith that the Lord will fulfill this promise if I continue to seek it.
SS 4: 1- How beautiful you are my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves…
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