February 4, 2015
“What is the price of five sparrows—two copper coins? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.” Luke 12:4-5
So on the same day (1/30/15) that we took the Song Tao back to Chiang Mai from P Chai’s home, I had a headache. It continuously grew throughout the day, and my medicine increased. That night, with the rest of our squad (Who I have missed a lot, even in a week!), I asked for prayer against the headache. I took an oxycodone before I went to bed and thought that would be that.
I woke up the next morning with a terrible migraine, with instant nausea and sensitivity to light and sound. I asked my team to pray over me again. Immediately I became sick. We had made an appointment to have breakfast with our illustrious leader Scott, who was saying goodbye to us later on that day when we left Thailand for Cambodia. I really wanted to go, and I thought because I already got sick, I would feel better.
I was wrong.
I got sick while on the little Tuk Tuk vehicle. I only got the street and no one else, Thank God.
I got sick on the side of the café where we were eating. Four times.
I got sick three times on the side of the road heading back to Zion to go to the hospital. At one of these points, a Thai man ran outside his restaurant to bring me a cup of water, some sweet smelling herbs, and to put peppermint on my forehead. I’m so grateful for his kindness.
I got sick twice at Zion.
I got sick outside the hospital and twice inside the hospital.
I’m not sure how many of you have ever experienced migraines like this. I know several of you have. The pain is both searing and achy and will not leave you. It gets so bad that you break out into cold sweat, and your body decides to get sick, trying in vain to rid the body of the pain. I was even trying to worship/praise God while walking down the street and immediately got sick again. I prayed to pass out a few times, and then asked for that prayer back because I was still on the street ha ha.
I was in so much pain and embarrassed that my whole squad (and a good chunk of Chiang Mai) had to see me like that. I was begging God the whole time to take the pain away or to reduce the pain. Eventually after two shots of medicine and an ivy, I felt better. But the headache remained.
We traveled around 20 hours by bus, van, and then by bus again. The headache never left, but in the chaos of switching vehicles, someone had taken off my outer bag that had my pillow, medicine, my little stuffed animal dog, and some other items, and either took it or put it somewhere else. We tried to find it but failed.
In the van portion of traveling, I rubbed my temples and asked God to not let the headache turn into another migraine. I suddenly became so discouraged. How in the world can being sick with migraines be of service to God? I realized that most of my prayers and the prayers for me before the race were that God would heal me or let the pain be tolerable. I didn’t realize until that horrible migraine and the pain that followed, how much I believed that God would heal me on this trip or at least lessen the pain so that I could continue to do ministry. And in that moment I wondered if I should even continue the race.
“God, why won’t you heal me? Why won’t you take away the pain?
I felt the core of my identity being attacked. The enemies lies buzzing all around
You can’t be used when you’re throwing up on the side of the road and not talking to anyone
Forget the race. What are you going to do when you go home? What job could you possibly do with these migraines?
What quality of life are going to have with these?
Look in the past. They are only getting worse. It will never get better.
It’s not just the migraines. Look at everything else wrong with you…
Along with these lies, I felt my flesh pushing me to feel guilty. Guilty for being frustrated at the situation, for doubting God, for being discouraged, for feeling this way at all when there are so many around me that are struggling with worse! I want to have joy in all circumstances. What’s going on that I can’t?
I wrestled and swatted against the lies of the enemy and myself, but I felt so tired, confused, and down.
That’s when I put on my mp3 player and looked for some songs. One song that popped up was “Worn” by Tenth Avenue North. I love this group, and when this song came out last year, I felt such a connection to it.
“And I know you can give me rest!
So I cry out with all that I have left,
Let me see redemption win, let me know the struggle ends,
that you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn.
I want to know the sun can rise from ashes of a broken life,
and all that’s dead inside can be reborn.
Cuz I’m worn.
My prayers are wearing thin…
I’ve lost my will to fight
So Heaven come and flood my eyes!!!”
It reminded me that hey, it’s ok to hurt, cry, and to struggle with Heavenly things. There are so many people in the Bible besides David who prayed and felt like this. It’s ok to feel down and cry out to God.
It’s ok to feel battle worn. It means that I have been fighting and not giving up.
Then I played the song “Even If” by Kutless, another song that spoke to me this past year.
“Sometimes all that we have to hold on to is what we know is true of who You are.
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane– that can never change who You are.
Lord we know your ways are not our ways.
So we set our faith in who You are.
Even though You reign high above us, You tenderly love us.
We know Your heart
We rest in who You are
You’re still the great and mighty One
You’re working all things for our Good
Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart and dreams are still undone
You are God, You are Good, Forever faithful One!
Even if the healing doesn’t come.
We’ll sing your praise…Even if the healing doesn’t come.”
I lot of these words have been spoken over me before and during the race. Especially trusting in who He is. Whatever is going on doesn’t change who He is. Even if the Bible and church doctrines are confusing and I don’t know how to take His promises, I need to rely on the Promiser.
In training camp, they asked us to ask God what He thinks of us, and then write down what we get, whether it be images, feelings, words, etc. So I asked God, “God, what do you think of me?”
I didn’t get a response. So I asked again, “God what do you think of me?”
A thought popped in my head of Jesus asking the same question to me. What do you think of me?
What do you think of me?
And I realized that the questions were connected. What I think of how Jesus looks at me and feels for me is directly correlated with how I view God. So the more I know Him and understand His heart, I will be shown a mirror where I can see and know my identity and worth.
I know it sounds simple and something from Sunday school, but when churches have abused and neglected you, when doctrines don’t add up, when prayers seem to be continually unanswered, and when nothing around you seems to support the promises in the Bible, your focus of God starts to blur, doesn’t it? It gets harder to distinguish His features and you can get confused.
With everything inside me, I want to see Jesus clearly, recognize Him when He is right in front of me, and hold on to the truth of who He is every circumstance! In this season, I want the truth spoken over me, I want to rest in His presence, sit at His feet, and be taught by the Great Teacher. I want to bask in His romantic, fierce, mysterious, and abounding love! I want to hear only His voice, and know it so well that I can hear its whisper when other voices around me are screaming!
I also need to continue to let myself off the hook ha ha. That feeling this way doesn’t mean that my relationship with God is fractured or lessened, but that He is all the nearer, and using it to pull me even closer to Him. And that the enemy really wants me out of the picture, because I am dangerous, lethal for the Kingdom in the hands of Jesus! Believe it!
Thank you guys for all your support and prayers! Please continue to pray against sickness, pain, and discouragement. I know that I will see miracles on this trip—I just want to be ok if it’s not for me.
I am a warrior! 
He made us valiant, sensitive to the heart of God, and vessels that pour out His love. I’m just a warrior that is still in the struggle.
Thank you guys again for your prayers. God bless!
~Tori
