January 18, 2015
“Why are you downcast oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me? I can remember when you showed you face to me. As the deer pants for water, so my soul thirsts for you…Let my SIGHS give way to SONGS that sing about your Faithfulness. Let my PAIN reveal your GLORY as my only real REST. Let my LOSSES show me all I TRULY HAVE IS YOU. I am satisfied in you.” ~ Sing Team, from Psalm 42.
This is going to be a more personal blog. I didn’t want to put everything into one post (so much has happened!) so I’ve tried to split it into a few parts. There is so much I’m leaving out, including the wonderful teachings that I have been under these past two weeks. There has already been spiritual warfare, with many people, so I’m just going to tell a little of my story.
At one of the meetings, they wanted people to pray over those who needed healing. I asked if people would pray healing over the migraines/headaches and back and neck problems that I have. Hakyoung even prayed over me in both English and Korean. Everyone’s prayers were beautiful and touching. I even prayed out loud (while crying) and gave everything to God. The headaches/migraines are not mine and have never been. They are not part of my identity. I want them gone. But if it isn’t His will, then please use the pain for His glory. Even as we prayed we heard cheering around us from other groups that signaled healing was taking place.
I really expected to be healed. I kept waiting for my spine to move, for muscles to twinge and relax, neck to change…but nothing happened. I felt love for my teammates, and for the girls around me praying, but I honestly felt some disappointment when the healing didn’t come. We heard from other people about their healing and I felt happy and excited for them, but the clawing lie came in, “What’s wrong with me, that everyone else was healed and I wasn’t?”
It’s hard to keep praying with real expectation and not feel disappointment when it doesn’t happen and to keep hoping it will occur in the future with that same anticipation.
However, I’ve given that and my healing to God, and I truly do accept whatever His will is. I know He uses healing, but He also uses waiting in sickness or in weakness. Matthew 9:19-22 “Just then a woman who had suffered for TWELVE years with constant bleeding…she touched the fringe of His robe…’Daughter be encouraged. Your faith has made you well.’” I just hope that I wait for Him in faithfulness.
Hebrews 11:1-2 “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for.”
There has been a lot of talk of “hearing God’s voice” or what the Spirit is saying, and even though it is really exciting and challenging, sometimes it can be a little overwhelming and frustrating. God has spoken to me in the past through scripture, through worship, through stories, through other people, and through promptings. But I have never heard His voice, had dreams, seen visions, words, or pictures. And this is what has been primarily taught at this training camp. I know that they are trying to have us press in and open our hearts to new ways of hearing God, and to have us step out in faith and practice in the spirit more, but it I hard NOT to compare to others and again wonder “What’s wrong with me that God doesn’t speak to me like that?”
All of these are lies, but they can be hard to fight, especially when you have fought them before in the past. All of my emotions are everywhere, and it’s not helped by being tired, sick, and in new and strange environments! 
I’ve had a few nights where I just wept while crying out to God, seeking His will, asking for more of Him, and praising Him.
And I am SO grateful for our leaders who have spoken life into me, encouraging me to speak against the lies, that there is NOTHING wrong with what I am feeling (so don’t introduce guilt and shame into the mix), that our relationship with God works in seasons and that this may be my winter season. A time of pain, hard times, and building intimacy with my savior even when I feel like I can’t fully see or hear Him. That Jesus is our Jehovah Nissi, our banner that we look to when the battle seems messy, confusing, and hopeless. We look to Him and know that He has already won the victory.
Well, we are starting ministry tomorrow and we don’t know exactly what that will entail. We may be doing day bar ministry, working at the Zion café, or doing something completely different. I felt a pressing in my spirit to pray, pray, pray. Emmie, the Zion leader, also said to us that if we are suddenly feelings things like hopelessness, confusion, sadness, and anger, and we don’t know why, that God may be giving us these feelings so that we may further identify with the girls that we will meet in the bars. This really resonated with me, and confirmed in my spirit that the depression I felt for a short time in Saipan was that I could have a taste, a glimpse into the hearts of those all around me on the island suffering from depression and thoughts of suicide.
Well late last night, I was doing my devotions and a mess of heaviness and sadness came upon me. I kept reading my Bible and kept praying. Two of my teammates asked me if I was ok, and I couldn’t really explain what I was feeling. Close to midnight, I decided to take my Bible, Kleenex, and a sweater with me and go up on Zion’s roof. I looked out over Chiang Mai and suddenly all I could hear was a woman wailing something that ended in “…ahhh!!!” and other voices suddenly crying out in pain and in anger.
I sat down and cried out to God, telling Him I wasn’t sure if I could encounter face to face all the hurt and injustice that I was going to see next week, even in the next year, with a balance.
I want His heart; I want my heart to break for what breaks His, but I also want to look at these people and situations with hope: Sex trafficking victims, mothers who sold their babies for food, starvation, orphans who are lonely and abused, and people missing limbs hacked off by machete’s and blown away by hidden land mines. I want to know that Jesus is working even when it looks like the darkness is taking over the world. I WANT His heart and His eyes to see what isn’t perceptible at first glance. I want His love, hope, and joy to pour out of me and not be overcome and weighed down by the evil that we will confront.
I prayed against the lies, and also thanked God that the Spirit interprets my groaning. I don’t have to have all the words—He knows that I’m seeking Him and what is in my heart. I praised Him in the midst of weeping, singing truth out into the night to restore my heart. I prayed for His spirit on our whole team, that we will be used in whatever way He wants.
I was about to go inside, when I looked up at the night sky again. I love looking at the stars (who doesn’t?) and have had multiple and meaningful God moments under them all around the world, whether in the desert in Israel, or the Banzai cliff in Saipan.
“God,” I whispered. “I don’t know in this moment if it ok to ask this but…could you show me a shooting star? I would just like a sign of some sort, that out of this moment of being overwhelmed that You are listening and loving me. I know that I don’t need it, but could You?”
I cranked my neck up and moved in slow 360 circles around the roof. I didn’t want to miss it. After a minute or two, I said “That’s ok,’ and started walking towards the door. I then saw a light out of the corner of my eye rising above a building very slowly. I stared intensely at it before realizing that it was a lantern. One single lantern floating towards the stars. I started to cry again. The lantern rose higher and higher until it looked exactly like one of the stars, dimly flickering in the darkness.
“Thank you! Thank you for that.”
Another rose from the building across from Zion, and I decided to run down to our room and grab my camera. I came out and saw another lantern going up. I took poor pictures and videos of it just so I could remember. All in all there were four lanterns then went up from that building and while I watched them go up, I sang more praise songs and cried. It was near 1 am by this time, and I was about to go in again, when I looked up.
A thin streak of light crossed the sky.
A shooting star.
I gasped and smiled almost shyly. The words from Hagar in the Old Testament came to me: “’You are the God who sees me.’” Genesis 16:13
There have been about 7 people on this trip and have told me “He sees you. He knows you. He loves you.” The words were pressed deeper in my heart at that moment.
Sometimes Jesus does these things, and other times He doesn’t. But whether He comes in the storms or in the Sun, I want to be found faithful. I want to continue to dive deeper in Him, KNOW Jesus more and more. And see Him, even if it is just by faith, in all circumstances. That’s my prayer.
