Ministry, like life, always has those situations where we find ourselves locked in the tension between holding and folding our cards. You have a desired outcome but can’t decide which path will be the best at getting you there. In ministry, this often happens in relationships where your goal is to see God unleash the full potential of faith and love in a person, but you aren’t sure which road leads to his/her heart.
From the first day I arrived at Canaan, 12 year old Wesh, whom I wrote about before, and I had a special friendship and connection. We’ve spent a lot of time talking together about life, faith, school, music, etc., playing soccer and just hanging out wherever we go. He showed a strong interest in me from the beginning, so I dedicated a considerable amount of my time, energy, and love to him, giving him encouragement about going to college and being a leader, since he is the smartest kid here and has so much potential in his personality. I thanked God for the light that He has been shining through Wesh into this community, my team, and myself.
But, many of these kids have dark pasts that still haunt them in quite vivid ways.
In Wesh, this reality has created something like a split personality; and last Monday, Wesh’s dark side appeared. My teammate Rachel has been their teacher for summer school, and she asked me to sit down with her and Wesh to talk about him disrespecting her at school that morning. It wasn’t any big deal, and I mostly just listened, besides adding a note of compassion to Wesh about how I used to talk back at times when I didn’t understand things as a kid. I suggested that he could ask a polite question to try to understand rather than talking back to Rachel, and that was that. For whatever reason, this conversation completely shut him down and he retreated into his cave of anger and self-defense. For the whole week, he refused to talk to me, blatantly ignoring me at times and rolling his eyes whenever I entered the room. Not only this, but he has acted meanly to many of the other boys, something he didn’t really do the first week. I did everything I could to breakthrough the ice that had formed around his heart, from writing him a letter about how much I believe in him, to forcing him to listen to me as I tried to question him on his attitude and behavior and tell him that I will never forsake or reject him like he feels his parents did. It was all to no avail, however, as Wesh continued to lurk around this Promised Land in a disguise I knew couldn’t be his true self.
This is where I became lost in the push and pull of knowing when to hold ’em and fold ’em. Should I continue pursuing him with love, even thought it seemed to be feeding his angry and spiteful spirit? Or should I back away and wait for him to come back to me, risking the chance of proving true his distorted belief that all who love him will one day reject him if he screws up? I struggle with decisions like this a lot in my life, because my natural tendency is to always be a passionate fighter for what I believe in, especially when it comes to relationships that are for God’s glory. I guess I could say that in certain situations, I need to allow God to increase my faith in Him/Her to do the work of transforming someone, even without my help. God doesn’t NEED me to get through to Wesh. God can do that in countless other ways besides me… but what if I am the one that God wants to use to reach him? Should I hold or fold? The stakes of this poker game are higher than any I’ve ever played.
This Sunday was a pivotal moment in this drawn-out standstill with Wesh. He blatantly acted violently in two different situations right in front of me, the second one involving him actually hitting and kicking a 7-year old boy. I lost it and dragged him out of the dorm to be disciplined by Pastor Joel (a leader here at Canaan). After being spanked 6 times, I could tell Wesh was creeping towards his threshold of a breakdown. I spoke sternly but lovingly to him, trying to help him see that his life will be miserable if he continues on this path but offering him the choice to find forgiveness in God and move forward. He stood his ground of silence, but when I asked him to hug me before I left, he came in and gripped me like a vice, causing him to fall off the edge into a sea of tears. I instantly told him that I forgive him and God does too and that his actions this past week have already been forgotten. I prayed over him vigorously and spoke life into him about letting go of his anger, but he had yet to say something. When he finally spoke, he said he didn’t understand why he was disciplined… my heart sank, fearing that this “breakthrough” moment was a fake. I was so upset but kept my composure and tried to talk him through it. The conversation ended with me telling him I love him and will never give up on him, but I couldn’t help but worry that we had gotten nowhere. Did I lose the hand? Should I have folded? I was almost ready to cash out and leave the table.
That night, my team really supported me in this trial and encouraged me to love Wesh enough to let him go, like the father of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15). I knew I needed to fold my hand at this point and save my chips for the right hand that may come in the future. I felt peace about it and prayed for Wesh to be broken of his anger and coldness.
Sometimes folding is the winning decision, both in poker and ministry/life. This morning Wesh showed signs of coming back to life, laughing at some jokes I was making and asking me to help him at school. I have so much hope in his healing and growth now, thanks to God’s reminder of letting Him/Her do the work that only God can do. Praise God that no one can escape his love, no matter how hard their shell and how fast they run away… God will chase them for a lifetime, always waiting for them to turn around and walk back into His/Her arms. Don’t be fooled into thinking that its only up to YOU to lead people into God’s grace. Believe that God’s grace can conquer all fortresses of evil and hard-heartedness. Our Lord “can’t stop won’t stop” loving till the Kingdom comes, cuz He, He’s so faithful, He’s so faithful. Check it.
One love, from God above.
One love, from God above.
